On Keeping A Quiet Heart…

A while back I found myself in a curious state – gripped by a sense of righteous anger that my life wasn’t where it ought to be; that there was a better path, but I hadn’t been led down it – so I was plagued with many questions and doubts about my Father’s steering prowess. This discontent was intertwined with a nagging pride and a constant need to prove to anyone who might be listening that my life was “awesome”! It’s quite strange, this obsessive need to incite envy in the people around me! Facebook isn’t much help either way (incitement to envy can backfire, I’ve learnt)! The downward spiral continued inexorably. I’d rake up past offences or perceived injustices and feel nice and sorry for myself – which brought me squarely back to righteous anger again!

I’d not realised how appalling my train of thought was until I tried digging a little deeper. Searching for the cause of such utter nonsense masquerading as righteous-indignation-at-my-current-situation/ self-pity/ or even (horrors!) exasperation-at-not-finding-the-next-perfect-profile-picture, has been cathartic to say the least! For instance, I’ve found that this mindset is highly addictive cause the centre of attention is me! And the axis on which my narcissistic world turns, is the opinion of people (well their opinion of me actually).

Obviously, now that the unsightly fact was out, it could no longer cloak itself in vague platitudes. Which helped me realise what my problem was. I did not have a quiet heart. I lacked the utter trust and faith in my Father that Jesus had. (I haven’t tried sleeping on a rickety little boat while sailing through a storm!) I wasn’t seeking His will, but rather striving to please my own, which inevitably led to discontent. Soren Kierkegaard said, “Purity of heart is to will one thing.” I realised that seeking my Father’s will above everything else would simplify life a great deal. I would then be content with what He gives – He knows, He cares and He’ll take care. It would be enough – more than, in fact.

My response was the crux of the matter. I could complain about my circumstances or I could choose to change. As Elisabeth Elliot said, “The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.”