inkhorn

Sometimes God amazes me at the speed at which He answers my questions. And He doesn’t beat around the bush either! I’d struggled with doubt and fear, completely inundated by a “confusion of heart”. And I wondered why I was unable to find any sort of victory in this area. So I asked my Father – where had I gone wrong? Had I disobeyed His will? His reply was instantaneous! (I think in all my doubting I’d been getting the wrong end of the stick! It was like He’d been waiting for me to come to my senses and start asking the right questions!) “…you did not serve the Lord your God with joy and gladness of heart, for the abundance of everything…” * These moments of blinding revelation seem to be getting quite frequent! I realised I had only myself to blame. I was allowing the Devil to rob me of the joy and gladness that was rightfully mine. Not being joyful was tantamount to saying, “I don’t trust You, God. I don’t think You know what You’re doing. So I choose to worry and doubt and fea...

When the Promised Land is in sight and things seem to be progressing towards a natural conclusion, that’s when you’re pulled up in your tracks and life hands you a set of incomprehensibly, painful situations. As confusion and doubt war in my mind, I find that nothing is secure. All I believed was solid and unshakeable, has come crashing down like a house of cards. And all I can do is fall before my Maker and cry, “Help!” And through the pain and fear, I feel a peace descend; and I realise that there is something that is unchangeable, something strong and concrete – Jesus. I remember His words and promises and it is like a burden is lifted off my shoulders. Light breaks through the darkness and I feel a calm assurance flood my soul as I hear His voice, “My Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.” * I remembered the Israelites and how they turned their back on the Promised Land when they saw the problems and faced their own weaknesses. I am at that point and I have two options – tur...

“Never let it end, God, Never – please – All this growing loveliness, All of these Brief moments of fresh pleasure – Never let it end. Let us always Be a little breathless At love’s beauty; Never let us Pause to reason From a sense of duty; Never let us Stop to measure Just how much to give; Never let us Stoop to weigh; Let us live – And live! Please, God, Let our hearts kneel always, Love their only master, Knowing the warm impulsiveness Of shattered alabaster… So Never let it end, God, Never – please.” - Ruth Bell Graham

The thing about friendship – you really leave yourself defenceless. And it’s hard when you find yourself in such a position – especially when you’ve placed yourself there deliberately! It’s much easier to barricade yourself behind the armour of a dry-tongued, carefree attitude. But once you let your guard down and let someone in! Boy, that’s when you find yourself quivering in the harsh cold! One word can make all the difference between delight and despair. And I find myself wondering – is it worth it? The lack of protection, the unguarded heart, the sleepless nights and the question-filled days. Yet, all that is offset by the single word that can truly lift you up to the skies – maybe it’s worth it after all!

I waited for you beside the waters But you did not come. And as I gazed at my reflection, I saw the quiet surface, Ripple and furl. Sunlight that had danced his way Through the billows, Now hid himself, Shying away from what the waters showed – me! The still waters turned choppy And I, lone and cold, Waited for you But you did not come. I ranted and raved, And ordered Him to tell you to come. I was waiting after all. Was it so unfair what I asked? In the silence, And the cold, With only the North wind for company, I finally knelt, Too spent to weep, And gave Him what I’d been holding Tightly to my heart – you. The wind died and The waters stilled. And I saw my watery visage again. The sunlight deigned to grace me With his presence, This time! It dawned on me I had been placing the wrong order. He was leading me to you Not the other way round! So I have begun to walk. Along the green pastures, And beside the still waters; Sometimes dark valleys...

I came across this verse the other day – “As for me…I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness.”* And I thought to myself that I wanted this to be my prayer too. So I asked God that He make me more like Him. Which was when I began seeing the real me. And it is neither a pretty picture nor a comfortable process! The truth really hurts! Gaining novel insight into my character has been fairly distressing so far. I have found that I can be unbelievably daft, smug, judgemental, narrow-minded, selfish, depressive – well the list goes on, but its cathartic just listing these out! (Less painful than finding myself in a situation where “evil Ruth” suddenly comes to the fore and shocks the daylights out of everyone around!) Anyway, as I was saying, these glaring faults of mine, which were suddenly thrust in my face, haven’t got me down. In fact, I’m rather pleased, because this is proof that He is working on me. We keep reading again and again that God corrects those He loves – I w...

There was a moment of blinding revelation as the rose-tinted glasses were wrenched from my eyes and I saw myself for who I was. And with my next breath I started fervently hoping that God suffers fools gladly. Make that singular with a capital F and you have yours truly! I find that I am not good at being led. I always want to be two steps ahead of God if not alongside Him. Which brings us to the inevitable result – me having to learn lessons the hard way with a bump and a crash. As I painfully picked up the pieces, I saw an incongruous image in my mind – God pushing a wheelbarrow and I sitting in it, weeping copiously at just about every situation and circumstance. It would be quite funny if it weren’t so true! And then it struck me. I was facing the wrong way! Sitting and peering into the darkness and uncertainty was what led to the afore-mentioned moment-of-blinding-revelation! I needed to turn and face Him. After all, since He’s pushing the wheelbarrow, my peering ahead isn’t g...

I heard the conclusion of the wheelbarrow story the other day. When the tightrope walker asked for a volunteer to get into the wheelbarrow and be pushed across, several hundred feet off the ground, he was met with complete silence. Finally a little five year-old boy ran forward, got into the wheelbarrow and was pushed across safely. When the little chap got back on terra firma, people gathered around and asked him how he had been so brave. His reply was simple – “But why should I have been afraid? It was my dad who was pushing me!” So I made the momentous decision to get into the wheelbarrow! And I’m being trundled across the tightrope at the moment. The future is very unsure, but sitting in this wheelbarrow, I’m learning several lessons. Waiting patiently for one! I’m not too good at that. My Father and I have had some skirmishes. I want to stand up and assert my independence. All that seems to do is cause the wheelbarrow to wobble dreadfully! I wanted to give up at one point. Wait...

I had thought there must be some redeeming quality in me. Some talent or ability that made me useful to God, my family and society; that provided a reason for my very existence. Yet as I read Paul’s second epistle to the Corinthians, a different idea was pushed into my consciousness. “Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God.” In a way, this is connected with my acceptance of His grace. It took me a while to acknowledge my complete and absolute unworthiness and realise that He loved me inspite of it. Unbelievable but true! But admitting that my sufficiency – all I am and who I wanted to be – was only in Christ, went a step further. I’d never understood what the nailing of the self meant, till I saw this verse with new eyes. I had accepted the fact of my unworthiness but it didn’t stop there. Some painful digging into my soul had to be done till I realised that my sense of self-worth came in believing tha...

They say things come in threes. I beg to disagree – they come in legions! You think the situation is bad and it can’t possibly get worse, when you’re proved wrong and it immediately does! So what does one do when one begins to lose confidence in one’s abilities and strengths? You think you’re good at something and then somebody tells you you’re not. Do you just sit there – quietly slipping into depression or do you bash on regardless? My sense of worth seems to be in imminent danger of disappearing into oblivion. But is my sense of worth based on what people say about/to me? Shouldn’t I be deriving it from His love? I chewed over this for a while and have come to the conclusion that what people say does affect me. But the bright side (there’s a silver lining everywhere, I’m told) is that it isn’t as bad as it used to be. There’s no likelihood of depression at least! So do I go ahead with the bash on regardless tactic then? It’s strange how, sometimes, the right Biblical answers a...

Dear Diary, Finished reading Battlefield Of The Mind * tonight. Couple of things stuck though. 1. Patience is not the ability to wait but to have a good attitude while waiting. 2. Pride vs. Humility: Pride says, “I’m ready now. I don’t need to wait any more. Why is it taking so long?” Humility says, “God truly knows best and I’ll trust Him to bring it to pass in His time. He is never late.” Which just goes to show how way off the mark I was! But lessons learnt are always a good thing – however late in the day! * Battlefield Of The Mind by Joyce Meyer

So many times I’ve questioned certain circumstances And things I could not understand Many times in trials, weakness blurs my vision Then my frustration gets so out of hand Its then I am reminded I've never been forsaken I've never had to stand one test alone That's when I look at all the victories And the spirit rises up in me And its through the fire my weakness is made strong He never promised that the cross would not get heavy And the hill would not be hard to climb He never offered our victories without fighting But He said help would always come in time Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision And the adversary says give in Just hold on, our Lord will show up And He will take you through the fire again I know within myself that I would surely perish But if I trust the mighty hand of God, He'll shield the flames again - Gerald Crabb

I prayed for endurance; I received a pride of roaring regal felines! And again, I am ready to turn tail and run in the opposite direction. Yet, He’s holding me firm and pushing me inexorably towards the den, while I feel like digging my heels in and refusing to budge. “Lord, You are a good God,” I cry. “Then how can You make me face this? How can You give me this as my lot in life? Lord, I know these lions can’t be from You. Why are You making me endure this?” And suddenly I remembered the story of Daniel and his own particular set of wild cats. So I went and read it again and found several amazing truths. Firstly, when Daniel realised that he would inevitably be thrown in the den, he didn’t change his habits and practises. He continued to pray three times a day. As far as I know he didn’t sit and weep about his imminent death, neither did he go into depression. Well, that’s something I need to get a grip on. Secondly, the king told Daniel, “Your God whom you serve continually,...

By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice… By faith Enoch was taken away … By faith Noah moved with godly fear… By faith Abraham obeyed … By faith Sarah judged Him faithful who had promised… By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau… By faith Jacob worshipped … By faith Moses chose to suffer affliction than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin… By faith Rahab did not perish with those who did not believe… “Through faith…(they) out of weakness were made strong.”

“…recall the former days in which…you endured a great struggle with sufferings…therefore do not cast away your confidence…for you have need of endurance…” * Endurance – a key ingredient in a Christian’s life, and one that I find myself grasping for. Over the past few months, it has become my fervent desire that I might have the endurance to bear everything that comes my way. Endurance – the word paints a scene of quiet strength, implacability and patience. Oh how I long for it from the depths of my soul! The past few months have also made me privy to certain unprepossessing facts about myself. I have realised that I can give up very easily. When faced with life’s uncertainties, I can lose my confidence and trust. Lack of knowledge of what the future holds, makes me wonder how, and whether, I’m going to make it. I question myself and God – how long must I wait? How much longer is this trial going to last? And recently, I’ve wondered, if I (or my family) were threatened, would I give...

Personally, I’ve never actually seen a chicken without a head, but having witnessed its counterpart (with its head firmly on), squawking and flapping at the least provocation, I can empathise with it perfectly! You can mouth platitudes and imagine that you really believe them – until life hits you in the face and then you end up like the aforementioned chicken! Well, I was anyway. And “was” being the operative word, I find myself writing this. They say you’ll know that you are obeying God and doing His will when you feel peace. So, what happens if I don’t? I mean, do honest questions and doubts reflect a lack of peace and hence, not being in God’s will? What is “peace”? And much more basic, how will I know God’s will? I mean, what if I miss hearing His voice? Like when I’m reading the Bible and I overlook a verse, which would have shown me clearly what I had to do! I know I will obey Him – but what if I don’t even know what to do? (This was all part of my headless chicken routine!)...

I’ve always had a soft corner for the apostle Peter. He seems so vulnerable and human, prone to mood swings and grand gestures. In spite of the mistakes and blunders he makes, one thing that I appreciate is his sincerity. Also the fact that, several times, he puts into words, exactly what everyone else is thinking but is too afraid to say! In the fifth chapter of Luke, when Jesus told Peter to go back to sea and let down his nets again, he must have experienced several emotions – irritation (because they had already spent a fruitless night and had just finished washing their nets!); doubt (as this Man seemed to know more about expounding Scripture rather than being an authority on fishing!), and a lack of hope, but, underlining it all, a sense that he ought to obey Him. His reply is typically Peteresque – “Master, we have toiled all night and caught nothing; nevertheless at your word I will let down the net.” I wonder if he believed at all that they would catch anything. I wouldn’t...