inkhorn

And, we’re through! 28 days complete! I would like to thank all those who made it possible (sorry…couldn’t resist!). Seriously though, I am pleased that I’ve managed to stick this one through. And it’s been an amazing journey. Thanks again, Aisi! On another note – there’s a new road to follow. A new phase, new challenges, new experiences; but it’s stretching out before me, beckoning and promising. Thank you, Father!

So this is it – tomorrow I’ll know which road I’ll be taking. And I’m excited and a little nervous but not worried, thankfully! I still don’t know how things will turn out. But He knows and He’s showing me the way ahead, albeit just a little stretch. Still, it’s the signal to move forward; no more waiting. I did wonder – what will I say? “My Spirit…is upon you, and My words…I have put in your mouth,”…says the Lord. * Now that’s reassurance for you! * Isaiah 59:21

From Keep A Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot – “Some of you are perhaps feeling that you are voyaging just now on a moonless sea. Uncertainty surrounds you. There may seem to be no signs to follow. Perhaps you feel about to be engulfed by loneliness. Amy Carmichael wrote of such a feeling when…she had to leave Japan because of poor health. (This preceded her going to India, where she stayed for fifty-three years.) ‘All along, let us remember, we are not asked to understand, but simply to obey … We had come on board on Friday night, and just as the tender (a small boat) … was moving off, and the chill of loneliness shivered through me, like a warm love-clasp came the long-loved lines – “And only heaven is better than to walk with Christ at midnight over moonless seas.” I couldn’t feel frightened then. Praise Him for the moonless seas – all the better the opportunity for proving Him to be indeed the El-Shaddai, “the God who is Enough”.’ Let me add my own word of witness to hers and t...

This past week has been quite illuminating. I’ve been looking for peace, for strength in the not-knowing, for patience. But it’s eluded me so far. Until I asked myself - why was I so nervous and anxious? Yes, there are several life-altering changes on the line here, but digging deeper still, I asked again – why? The answer revealed a whole lot (not unlike a can of worms!). I found that I really want to follow this particular road (harking back to my metaphor of the crossroad) for all the wrong reasons – security and the knowledge that now I would be able to hold my head high and not be bothered about what people say. How unutterably sad! When did other folks’ definition of a “young-married-woman”, make me ashamed/ afraid/ embarrassed to show who I was? My identity and self-worth comes from my Father, not from the commendations of others or even myself. Knowing that His plan for my life may not fit any pre-conceived ideas, yet trusting Him to see me through because He has the best ...

Standing at a crossroad and waiting for direction is no fun! It’s barely been 24 hours and I’m champing at the bit! A million ideas flutter in and out of my mind; so many plans and no surety. I want to know what I should be doing next; my mind is busy making so many small schedules, I’m barely able to keep up. But I know that all these aren’t the real deal. I asked my Father – why the abundance of choices? Where to from here? What of the future? “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.  * Humph! *Isaiah 55:8

I’m standing at a crossroad – and the choices before me are several, leaving me unsure about where to go from here. Decisions, decisions! Yet, as I contemplate each choice, wondering about timing and how they all conspired to coincide to complicate my decision-making, I know He is there, standing beside me, and He will show me the way ahead. My instinct is to rush ahead, but I know I should wait. And that’s so hard!

I look not back: God sees the fruitless efforts, The wasted hours, the sinning and regrets; I leave them all with Him who blots the record, And graciously forgives and then forgets. I look not forward, God sees all the future, The road that long, or short, will lead me home. And He will face with me each trial And bear with me the burden that may come. But I look up, up to the face of Jesus: For there my heart can rest, my fears are stilled And there is joy and love and light for darkness And perfect peace and every hope fulfilled.     - Anonymous, sent to the charity Through The Roof

Here’s a confession - I love my individuality, who I am, what makes me tick, what sets me apart. Simply put – I love what makes me, me! And recently I’ve been stubbornly digging my heels in, refusing to budge from this monument of/to myself that I’ve created! (Ah change – don’t we love it!) It’s hard to give in because it feels like a betrayal of me. If dying to the self means this, then I have a long way to go and many lessons to learn. Now that I look back I realise that my complacent sense of self was making me an insufferable little control-freak who was a pain to be around! The worst thing about having an inflated ego is that you think you’re always right and that everyone around you is conspiring to ruin your life! Thankfully God decided I was too swollen-headed to think straight so he deflated the ‘I’ and set about restoring my sadly misguided principles. If my primary purpose, apart from worshipping Him, is to serve others, how would that be achieved if I insisted on sitting...

“Let us then labour for an inward stillness – An inward stillness and an inward healing; That perfect silence, where the lips and heart Are still, and we no longer entertain Our own imperfect thoughts and vain opinions, But God alone speaks in us, and we wait In singleness of heart, that we may know His will, and in the silence of our spirits That we may do His will, and do that only.”                                                               - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“It’s the set of the sail and not the gales that determine which way they (the sailboats) go.” * The line grabbed my imagination today. It paints a picture of a little sailboat out on the high seas. In the vastness of the ocean, the only sure sense of direction would come from the sail being set according to course. Otherwise the boat might just end up right where it started! Over the last few days I have been struggling with worries about the future, wrong attitudes and basically a lack of control! I’d forgotten where I was headed – the set of my sail! If I just set it to hold course according to His will, then everything would be so much simpler. I am safe, with Him . Instead, I’ve been going round and round in circles, allowing various squalls to blow me off course. Anyway, it’s not too late; I am on a journey and its time I got back on course. * From The Hand Of God by Alastair Begg 

So what drives me – the seen or the unseen? Is it the money MD/I earn and the things I can buy with it (like all the books on my wishlist! *sigh*)? Or is it the desire for these “essentials” that motivates me to do what I do? Chesterton argues that it is the unseen;* and as I grapple with this issue, first hand, I wonder… For a while I thought I’d gotten over my hardfistedness, until it chose to rear its cynical self again. I thought my annoyance was justified; so I allowed myself to go over and over the issue until I’d been reduced to a mass of irritated nerves! I also knew that MD wouldn’t agree with my opinions, which just added fuel to the fire! After a fine imaginary argument with an absent MD, (during which I came up with several witty and pithy retorts!), I finally went to my Father and complained. I thought I was right to be angry at MD’s generosity  foolishness. Until He said that I ought to be ashamed of myself! “…And all shall be ashamed who are incens...

As we celebrate two years of togetherness, you’ve shown me that Love is very different from the books one reads or the movies one watches… Love is… …drawing a picture of Mickey Mouse and addressing it to your “darling wife”. …finding me beautiful at six in the morning! …waking me up with kisses …yelling ‘Darling’ from the top of a hill in Hognekal when you couldn’t see me anywhere in the river below! …not buying those awful red shoes! (yes, 'awful' not 'awesome'!) …being so worried when I look a little sad …not telling me to shut up when I begin my “Do-you-remembers” about our story for the hundredth time! …telling me that you’d make sure you got to heaven ‘cause you weren’t going to let me spend eternity alone. …singing ‘Layla’ off-key …holding me close when I need it the most …the look on your face which tells me more than words that you love me …speaking Hindi with your cute Tamil accent! …not being able to stay angry with each other even after a fight …falling asl...

I saw a slightly incongruous sight today – a newly built fly-over that rose like a massive walkway to heaven and beneath it a house that was torn in half. The wrecking ball probably had a field-day tearing it down, but whoever was manning the controls must have had a peculiar sense of humour; for the house still stood, only now it was bared for all to see – like a gigantic doll-house. I wonder what stories those walls would recount if they could only speak; of the people who had lived in those rooms and walked through those doors; of life. Yet, everyone seemed more interested in the fly-over, it was new and it was very useful; the forgotten gaping house was left to crumble on its own. I wish someone would take pity and pull the entire structure down; it seems like such an inverted invasion of privacy!

So after all these years, thanks to MD, I’m finally getting down to promoting my book!  For further details please contact me.

Recently I was plagued by that most demoralizing of emotions – Envy. I have my faults; I can list them out, cause they rear their unsightly selves from time to time. However, Envy was never part of the ranks; not, until, a few days back, that is! Which is why it took me a while to recognise it for what it was, masked beneath a cloak of self-pity, materialism and inquisitiveness, as it were! It’s difficult and humbling to acknowledge the depths one can plummet. But as I sat and thought about all that I believed I was missing out on – about the unfairness of life that doesn’t hand over everything you want, the minute you want it (I can understand if you wish to roll your eyes at this unbelievably daft line of reasoning! I’m sure God did!) – He said, “Why do you say…my just claim is passed over by my God?” * And I realised that apart from being ridiculously thoughtless about all the hard work MD was putting in to provide a comfortable life for us, I was being unbelievably ungrateful...

Some pieces of verse that have stirred my soul lately – Sometimes, hard-trying, it seems I cannot pray – For doubt, and pain, and anger, and all strife. Yet some poor half-fledged prayer-bird from the nest May fall, flit, fly and perch – crouch in the bowery breast Of the large…tree of life – Moveless there sit through all the burning day, And on my heart at night a fresh leaf cooling lay. ~x~ Doubt swells and surges, with swelling doubt behind! My soul in storm is but a tattered sail, Streaming its ribbons on the torrent gale; In calm, ‘tis but a limp and flapping thing: Oh! Swell it with thy breath; make it a wing – To sweep through thee the ocean, with thee the wind Nor rest until in thee its haven it shall find. ~x~ I to myself have neither power nor worth, Patience nor love, nor anything right good; My soul is a poor land, plenteous in dearth – Here blades of grass, there a small herb for food – A nothing that would be something if it could; But if obedience, Lord, in me do ...

MD and I were chatting the other day and I asked him for feedback on my writing. Apart from all the nice things he said (which I shan’t embarrass my readers with!), we discussed the reason I call myself inkhorn . The explanation, according to him, deserved a post in itself.  An inkhorn is an archaic description of an inkwell or a small, portable container for ink. As such, it is constantly being emptied of its contents and being refilled – to be emptied again. An inkhorn is a valuable, necessary tool for any writer. Without it, a pen that runs dry would be useless. When I chose to become a writer, I prayed that God would use me, my skills and my work for His glory. I wanted my life to be emptied again and again of all self and be filled with His love. To be honest, some portions of being emptied are quite painful, but the hope and joy is that He fills me up, to continue my journey of being transformed into His likeness. So I am His inkhorn ; for Him to write His story with!

Dear B, As sisters go, we’re probably a unique pair. Such opposites, yet we get along so well. (As you probably realised by now, yes, I miss you!) I came across the poem that I wrote for you before I left home. And it brought back so many memories of you. I love so many things about you. Your buoyant enthusiasm and the tendency to jump into every enterprise, feet first! (How many times have I had to be the voice of sanity, if not reason!) Your unflagging loyalty and your penchant for flying to the defence of the three most closest to your heart, then (am adding L to the ranks now!). You have this amazing gift of reaching out to people and giving so much of yourself without expecting anything in return. I love the generosity of spirit and heart that sets you apart from all the rest. You feel things so deeply, yet you have a childlike joy and delight in the silliest of things! Your optimism surrounds you like a cloud (remember the stained glass painting of the butterflies and bubble...

“For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.” * Story of my life! In my search for discipline, I have climbed this slope several times. I used to be able to stick it for longer. Now, not so much. Disheartening thought! I’m struggling against laziness, hopelessness and a desire to just sit at the bottom of the mountain and pitch a tent! Did Paul feel the same way I wonder? Wouldn't it be so much easier Lord (I rail mentally), if I could just be disciplined the minute I want to be - love unconditionally (without mentally stacking up all the wrongs I can think of!), trust You whole-heartedly (without hurrying to put one foot on the ground!), work creatively (every time I put pen to paper!), live contentedly (without comparing my life with everyone around me!), exercise regularly (without taking long breaks for whatever excuse!), and the list goes on… I am a work in progress I agree, (and I sure hope You’re still working on me!),...

I always believed that Poetry inhabited the realm of the indecipherable, until, that is, I stumbled upon Ruth Bell Graham’s poems. Like a veil being pulled aside, my mind and soul were suddenly flooded with the wild imaginings, the tug of the heartstrings and the plethora of emotion that only poetry can unlock! However many times you read the same lines, you can always take away something new from it. The words themselves reveal a life lived to the fullest; with insight that pierces straight to the core of your very being. So in my quest to discern and describe the stage my soul is in, I unearthed a veritable gem of a tome. And here's a bite to chew on... “I will lift up mine eyes to the hills;”* and when I fly I will lift up my eyes instead to the sky; it is the same sure, certain thing – this quiet lifting up, remembering… I leave myself awhile to let my thoughts explore all He has made and More; returning to my small load at length, calm, reassured: this is my strength.  ...

Logic has never been a strong point of mine. I admit it frankly. But to what extent was made painfully obvious when I was recently faced with a test where the Logic section stumped me well and good. Quite ridiculous actually! I stared at the boxes with the little dots until they began to dance across the screen, but a logical pattern, I was unable to find! Later, I was told, by a veteran of several tests, that those would probably have been the simplest! Apart from being embarrassed, I tried vainly to figure out the connection between the boxes and my chosen profession. And yes, as you so rightly surmised, I found none! So where does that leave me? Struggling to find a logical post to write about as I continue my meandering trail down the Blog Ro(ad)ll ! 

So I asked for joy and He poured out His love on me! Salvation is all about Him! As my earthly father explained all that my heavenly Father had done, all I could do was gaze on Him in wonder. It did not suffice that He sent Jesus to die for me, but He comes to meet me at my level, reaching out to me, endowing me with righteousness, each day. Now I understand what Jeremiah meant when he said that His mercies are new every morning! * And all that He asks in return is Trust. And I fail even to do that! When the Devil presents a different view (read lie!), I believe him and abandon confidence in God so quickly. Every day I have a choice – to believe a lie and live in doubt or to believe my Father and live by Faith! Oh how can I not? The very fact that I can now stand before Him is a gift; a symbol of His love, which He has lavished on me. I whisper “Thank you”, but it is so inadequate. Grace, unmerited, enfolds me close and tears, unbeckoned, awash my soul. “I do not deserve Thee,...

Have been reading G. K. Chesterton’s Tremendous Trifles lately and I must say that he makes a profound point. “The world will never starve for want of wonders but only for want of wonder.” Which is so true of everything around me, including and especially myself! 

Once upon a time there lived a girl. She was a very ordinary girl, but she dreamed of romance and adventure. So she stuffed her head with fairy tales and stories and waited for the day her life would change. Life went on and took various twists and turns. But the girl never gave up hope that one day she would move out of the normality to grander and more adventurous events. Through all the little twists in the road, she strode on, reminding herself that she would meet her Prince someday. And incredibly that day did dawn! Her Prince rode into her humdrum life and turned everything topsy-turvy. Before she knew it, she’d been wooed and wed! When the dust finally settled, she looked around for the next big adventure, but found none. Life soon began looking - dare I say it – ‘normal’ and the girl wondered if she would ever begin to LIVE! Moping and ranting about the mundane soon became a pastime, nay, a habit. Until finally He stepped in. Quietly and gently, He effectively stopped her ...

Dear Lord, It is so easy to sit in judgement on somebody else. So easy to point out their follies and foibles. So easy to tell them what they need to be doing right. But when Truth hits home, it’s a bitter pill to swallow. Forgive me for my petty complaints and ranting. I love You for patiently listening to all of that and not condemning me to hell-fire forthwith! Lord, please change my heart. Change my attitude. All the wrong thinking that plagues me. The negativity that undermines my belief and faith in You. Transform my ways, my thinking. Strengthen me please. Amen

In my bid to be proactive, I’ve found others on this journey – fellow travellers who are treading this very same road! Thanks aisi! Moping around and being tragic has made me realise one thing – it’s much easier to allow negativity and cynicism to run amok than to look at life with the innocence and hope of a child. If being a “grown-up” means that I have to live without joy, then please, allow me to bow out! “Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation…” * This is my quest – to find pleasure in the insignificant, hope in the glorious and the joy that only my Father can give! “Gather my broken fragments to a whole… Take up the things that I have cast away In vice or indolence or unwise play. Let mine be a merry, all-receiving heart, But make it whole, with light in every part.” -          George MacDonald *Psalm 51:12 (a)