inkhorn

Lately, I’ve witnessed several circumstances that didn’t really make sense. It was the age-old question – “Where is God when good people suffer?” Brought home all the more clearly when someone close to you is being put through the wringer! So where was He in all the confusion, chaos and pain? Why didn’t He step in and change their situation? Surprisingly, it was only I, on the outside, who was plagued by these questions. Those in turmoil had a deep joy and strength that was and is carrying them through. A peace that truly passes all understanding! They seemed to be having a closer walk with the Father. It was amazing that they were handling things so well, but as I looked on, I still wondered... I knew He is a good God, but... I knew He is faithful, but... I knew I should trust Him, but... And the list went on. Until He stopped my train of thought and said, “That’s where faith comes in.” As someone so clearly declared, “Faith is not an effort, a striving, a ceaseless seeking, as ...

Every once in a while, I find that I need to apologise for being a procrastinator! And this is one of those embarrassing moments! Given the fact that I had such a wonderful list of books to read, it's quite surprising that I've managed to get embroiled in this mess again! But for what it's worth, here goes - My apologies for having fallen way, way behind in my reading; well, reading the books on the list anyway! In the last month I've actually been reading a whole lot of other stuff that wasn't even on the list! Woe is me for having the attention span of a two-year-old! Also easy access to Flipkart doesn't really help either! So here's what I've been reading - The Ape Who Guards The Balance by Elizabeth Peters The Copenhagen Connection by Elizabeth Peters If by Amy Carmichael My Life And Hard Times by James Thurber Broken by Karin Slaughter Perhaps I should just state once and for all that my reading list, far from getting done is probably going...

So I stand at the threshold of another crossroad. And I find myself struggling with this new avenue. I want to jump up and fight for my rights. I’m fearful of the future. Worst case scenarios crowd my mind and I feel life slipping out of my control. Fear and anger take over and I righteously claim mine. I’m protecting what belongs to me – so I can’t be wrong, right? Then why is there no peace? Only fear and worry? “Lord”, I pray, half-heartedly. “Why are You asking me to do this? It’s unfair!” Deep down, I don’t really want any answers. Just a good fight and a chance to claim my just dues and be proved right! But thankfully He loves me too much to leave me in misery. “ Seek Me and live *,” He said. “How Lord,” I cried. “What should I do?” So He led me to this passage from the book Gold By Moonlight by Amy Carmichael. Based on the verse below, this is what she writes – “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in t...

So, between work and fighting off an annoyingly persistent bout of cold, I’ve fallen deplorably behind in my reading. But, on the bright side, I’ve finally gotten around to writing this post for Father’s Day. (I have good intentions! Unfortunately, they don’t get implemented immediately!) So taking a break from the Reading List, here’s to my dad… My father – well where do I start – there are so many instances I remember from my childhood; instances that have defined our relationship in many ways. I always enjoyed running errands with my dad. My earliest memory is of standing beside him with my arm around his neck as he drove his Mahindra Jeep in Muzaffarpur. I think that’s when I developed a love for jeeps. He had a phrase that he used to describe me, (which I only understood when I was older!) – “Three years old and three feet tall.” After we moved to Hyderabad , I remember many rides, sitting on the petrol tank of his Yezdi. With the wind in my face, and my dad behind me, that ...

I was introduced to C. S. Lewis the usual way – through Narnia. It was only later that I discovered he had written several books on various subjects ranging from theology and apologetics to poetry and science fiction. This little book C. S. Lewis – Readings for Meditation and Reflection is an excellent introduction to his theological and apologetical work, with short excerpts drawn from his various books. Lewis’ unique style of profound simplicity provides honest answers to searching questions. I love his no-nonsense attitude of saying it as it is. There’s no flummery or pseudo-philosophical twaddle. He cuts straight through all the platitudes to the heart of the matter and strikes home! Lewis expounds “…the simplicity that is in Christ.” * Reading his work has made me sit up and think about… well, about what I think! More often than not, I’ve found myself complicating my life through my attitudes and my thought process; but the truth has been so simple all along! It’s liberating!...

So once again, thanks to Aisi I have a project of sorts to work on! Looking for books to read is never difficult for me; I thrive on buying books and stuffing them into bookcases! Invariably there are those that fall under the radar, so to speak. So when Aisi suggested an e-summer-book-club , I jumped at the chance of getting some much-overlooked books read! After spending hours rummaging through my collection, I surfaced with quite an eclectic selection of tomes! So here’s my list – C. S. Lewis – Readings for Meditation and Reflection. (ed. Hooper, Walter. 1992) The Set Of The Sail. (Tozer, A. W. 1986) The Pilgrim’s Guide: C. S. Lewis and the Art of Witness. (ed. Mills, David. 1998) Animal Farm. (Orwell, George. 1945) Three Men In A Boat (Jerome, Jerome K. 1889) Christ And The Media (Muggeridge, Malcolm. 1977) To Kill A Mockingbird (Lee, Harper. 1960) Northanger Abbey (Austen, Jane. 1818) Scandal At School (Cole, G. D. H. & M. 1935) The Old...

A while back I found myself in a curious state – gripped by a sense of righteous anger that my life wasn’t where it ought to be; that there was a better path, but I hadn’t been led down it – so I was plagued with many questions and doubts about my Father’s steering prowess. This discontent was intertwined with a nagging pride and a constant need to prove to anyone who might be listening that my life was “awesome”! It’s quite strange, this obsessive need to incite envy in the people around me! Facebook isn’t much help either way (incitement to envy can backfire, I’ve learnt)! The downward spiral continued inexorably. I’d rake up past offences or perceived injustices and feel nice and sorry for myself – which brought me squarely back to righteous anger again! I’d not realised how appalling my train of thought was until I tried digging a little deeper. Searching for the cause of such utter nonsense masquerading as righteous-indignation-at-my-current-situation/ self-pity/ or even (horrors...

I feel a sense of déjà vu. I know the way forward – to a certain extent – and I want to move ahead, at my pace. Unfortunately not everyone around me is so obliging. So I find that I have to wait; be still and allow things to sort themselves out, rather than make a million plans and see none falling into place! Which is enough to make the most mild-mannered person want to pull their hair out in frustration! Instead, I got my hair cut and styled! But I digress. The point I’m belabouring is that my search of quietness is beginning to look like a trudge through an ever-lengthening tunnel! And this quest is turning me into a control-freak a.k.a Ms-Bossy-Two-Shoes! I got called that to my face a couple of nights back. And the worst part – I didn’t realise I was being “bossy”! Horrors! Anyway, I asked MD, in a moment of panic (not related to the being-called-bossy-incident!) about how one ought to go about being still? His reply was surprisingly simple. “Every time you think about the n...

And, we’re through! 28 days complete! I would like to thank all those who made it possible (sorry…couldn’t resist!). Seriously though, I am pleased that I’ve managed to stick this one through. And it’s been an amazing journey. Thanks again, Aisi! On another note – there’s a new road to follow. A new phase, new challenges, new experiences; but it’s stretching out before me, beckoning and promising. Thank you, Father!

So this is it – tomorrow I’ll know which road I’ll be taking. And I’m excited and a little nervous but not worried, thankfully! I still don’t know how things will turn out. But He knows and He’s showing me the way ahead, albeit just a little stretch. Still, it’s the signal to move forward; no more waiting. I did wonder – what will I say? “My Spirit…is upon you, and My words…I have put in your mouth,”…says the Lord. * Now that’s reassurance for you! * Isaiah 59:21

From Keep A Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot – “Some of you are perhaps feeling that you are voyaging just now on a moonless sea. Uncertainty surrounds you. There may seem to be no signs to follow. Perhaps you feel about to be engulfed by loneliness. Amy Carmichael wrote of such a feeling when…she had to leave Japan because of poor health. (This preceded her going to India, where she stayed for fifty-three years.) ‘All along, let us remember, we are not asked to understand, but simply to obey … We had come on board on Friday night, and just as the tender (a small boat) … was moving off, and the chill of loneliness shivered through me, like a warm love-clasp came the long-loved lines – “And only heaven is better than to walk with Christ at midnight over moonless seas.” I couldn’t feel frightened then. Praise Him for the moonless seas – all the better the opportunity for proving Him to be indeed the El-Shaddai, “the God who is Enough”.’ Let me add my own word of witness to hers and t...

This past week has been quite illuminating. I’ve been looking for peace, for strength in the not-knowing, for patience. But it’s eluded me so far. Until I asked myself - why was I so nervous and anxious? Yes, there are several life-altering changes on the line here, but digging deeper still, I asked again – why? The answer revealed a whole lot (not unlike a can of worms!). I found that I really want to follow this particular road (harking back to my metaphor of the crossroad) for all the wrong reasons – security and the knowledge that now I would be able to hold my head high and not be bothered about what people say. How unutterably sad! When did other folks’ definition of a “young-married-woman”, make me ashamed/ afraid/ embarrassed to show who I was? My identity and self-worth comes from my Father, not from the commendations of others or even myself. Knowing that His plan for my life may not fit any pre-conceived ideas, yet trusting Him to see me through because He has the best ...

Standing at a crossroad and waiting for direction is no fun! It’s barely been 24 hours and I’m champing at the bit! A million ideas flutter in and out of my mind; so many plans and no surety. I want to know what I should be doing next; my mind is busy making so many small schedules, I’m barely able to keep up. But I know that all these aren’t the real deal. I asked my Father – why the abundance of choices? Where to from here? What of the future? “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.  * Humph! *Isaiah 55:8

I’m standing at a crossroad – and the choices before me are several, leaving me unsure about where to go from here. Decisions, decisions! Yet, as I contemplate each choice, wondering about timing and how they all conspired to coincide to complicate my decision-making, I know He is there, standing beside me, and He will show me the way ahead. My instinct is to rush ahead, but I know I should wait. And that’s so hard!

I look not back: God sees the fruitless efforts, The wasted hours, the sinning and regrets; I leave them all with Him who blots the record, And graciously forgives and then forgets. I look not forward, God sees all the future, The road that long, or short, will lead me home. And He will face with me each trial And bear with me the burden that may come. But I look up, up to the face of Jesus: For there my heart can rest, my fears are stilled And there is joy and love and light for darkness And perfect peace and every hope fulfilled.     - Anonymous, sent to the charity Through The Roof

Here’s a confession - I love my individuality, who I am, what makes me tick, what sets me apart. Simply put – I love what makes me, me! And recently I’ve been stubbornly digging my heels in, refusing to budge from this monument of/to myself that I’ve created! (Ah change – don’t we love it!) It’s hard to give in because it feels like a betrayal of me. If dying to the self means this, then I have a long way to go and many lessons to learn. Now that I look back I realise that my complacent sense of self was making me an insufferable little control-freak who was a pain to be around! The worst thing about having an inflated ego is that you think you’re always right and that everyone around you is conspiring to ruin your life! Thankfully God decided I was too swollen-headed to think straight so he deflated the ‘I’ and set about restoring my sadly misguided principles. If my primary purpose, apart from worshipping Him, is to serve others, how would that be achieved if I insisted on sitting...

“Let us then labour for an inward stillness – An inward stillness and an inward healing; That perfect silence, where the lips and heart Are still, and we no longer entertain Our own imperfect thoughts and vain opinions, But God alone speaks in us, and we wait In singleness of heart, that we may know His will, and in the silence of our spirits That we may do His will, and do that only.”                                                               - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“It’s the set of the sail and not the gales that determine which way they (the sailboats) go.” * The line grabbed my imagination today. It paints a picture of a little sailboat out on the high seas. In the vastness of the ocean, the only sure sense of direction would come from the sail being set according to course. Otherwise the boat might just end up right where it started! Over the last few days I have been struggling with worries about the future, wrong attitudes and basically a lack of control! I’d forgotten where I was headed – the set of my sail! If I just set it to hold course according to His will, then everything would be so much simpler. I am safe, with Him . Instead, I’ve been going round and round in circles, allowing various squalls to blow me off course. Anyway, it’s not too late; I am on a journey and its time I got back on course. * From The Hand Of God by Alastair Begg 

So what drives me – the seen or the unseen? Is it the money MD/I earn and the things I can buy with it (like all the books on my wishlist! *sigh*)? Or is it the desire for these “essentials” that motivates me to do what I do? Chesterton argues that it is the unseen;* and as I grapple with this issue, first hand, I wonder… For a while I thought I’d gotten over my hardfistedness, until it chose to rear its cynical self again. I thought my annoyance was justified; so I allowed myself to go over and over the issue until I’d been reduced to a mass of irritated nerves! I also knew that MD wouldn’t agree with my opinions, which just added fuel to the fire! After a fine imaginary argument with an absent MD, (during which I came up with several witty and pithy retorts!), I finally went to my Father and complained. I thought I was right to be angry at MD’s generosity  foolishness. Until He said that I ought to be ashamed of myself! “…And all shall be ashamed who are incens...

As we celebrate two years of togetherness, you’ve shown me that Love is very different from the books one reads or the movies one watches… Love is… …drawing a picture of Mickey Mouse and addressing it to your “darling wife”. …finding me beautiful at six in the morning! …waking me up with kisses …yelling ‘Darling’ from the top of a hill in Hognekal when you couldn’t see me anywhere in the river below! …not buying those awful red shoes! (yes, 'awful' not 'awesome'!) …being so worried when I look a little sad …not telling me to shut up when I begin my “Do-you-remembers” about our story for the hundredth time! …telling me that you’d make sure you got to heaven ‘cause you weren’t going to let me spend eternity alone. …singing ‘Layla’ off-key …holding me close when I need it the most …the look on your face which tells me more than words that you love me …speaking Hindi with your cute Tamil accent! …not being able to stay angry with each other even after a fight …falling asl...

I saw a slightly incongruous sight today – a newly built fly-over that rose like a massive walkway to heaven and beneath it a house that was torn in half. The wrecking ball probably had a field-day tearing it down, but whoever was manning the controls must have had a peculiar sense of humour; for the house still stood, only now it was bared for all to see – like a gigantic doll-house. I wonder what stories those walls would recount if they could only speak; of the people who had lived in those rooms and walked through those doors; of life. Yet, everyone seemed more interested in the fly-over, it was new and it was very useful; the forgotten gaping house was left to crumble on its own. I wish someone would take pity and pull the entire structure down; it seems like such an inverted invasion of privacy!

So after all these years, thanks to MD, I’m finally getting down to promoting my book!  For further details please contact me.

Recently I was plagued by that most demoralizing of emotions – Envy. I have my faults; I can list them out, cause they rear their unsightly selves from time to time. However, Envy was never part of the ranks; not, until, a few days back, that is! Which is why it took me a while to recognise it for what it was, masked beneath a cloak of self-pity, materialism and inquisitiveness, as it were! It’s difficult and humbling to acknowledge the depths one can plummet. But as I sat and thought about all that I believed I was missing out on – about the unfairness of life that doesn’t hand over everything you want, the minute you want it (I can understand if you wish to roll your eyes at this unbelievably daft line of reasoning! I’m sure God did!) – He said, “Why do you say…my just claim is passed over by my God?” * And I realised that apart from being ridiculously thoughtless about all the hard work MD was putting in to provide a comfortable life for us, I was being unbelievably ungrateful...

Some pieces of verse that have stirred my soul lately – Sometimes, hard-trying, it seems I cannot pray – For doubt, and pain, and anger, and all strife. Yet some poor half-fledged prayer-bird from the nest May fall, flit, fly and perch – crouch in the bowery breast Of the large…tree of life – Moveless there sit through all the burning day, And on my heart at night a fresh leaf cooling lay. ~x~ Doubt swells and surges, with swelling doubt behind! My soul in storm is but a tattered sail, Streaming its ribbons on the torrent gale; In calm, ‘tis but a limp and flapping thing: Oh! Swell it with thy breath; make it a wing – To sweep through thee the ocean, with thee the wind Nor rest until in thee its haven it shall find. ~x~ I to myself have neither power nor worth, Patience nor love, nor anything right good; My soul is a poor land, plenteous in dearth – Here blades of grass, there a small herb for food – A nothing that would be something if it could; But if obedience, Lord, in me do ...