inkhorn

Last week I had an interesting conversation with God. First, He showed me an image of a father holding a child’s hand, and from that picture, He taught me several truths. I asked God what the picture meant, so He told me to put myself in the child’s shoes and then think about what I would feel were I holding my own father’s hand. So I thought about it and the first thing that popped in my mind was that I would have absolute trust in my dad. I mean, I wouldn’t ask him where we were going or why we were going on a particular road, but would be simply happy to let my dad take me out wherever he wanted. (This is me as a child, so bear with me!)   Then there would be contentment and a sense of happiness, because my dad was with me and we were together. Also security, because I wouldn’t be worried about anything; my dad would take care of me. I don’t think this ever needs to be explained or taught to a child; they seem to be born with implicit trust! Then God said to me, “You’...

It seems like I’ve come back full circle to a crucial lesson in my walk with God; a lesson that I thought I’d learned. Surprisingly, I’m finding myriad facets to the single issue; like a kaleidoscope, every time I come back to it, I see a new pattern! Which brings us to my pet peeve – waiting! I’ve said it before – I’m not very good at it! (Which is probably why He takes His time teaching me so many aspects of it! And here I was, misguidedly thinking I’d got the hang of it!) So frankly, waiting gets my goat! Especially, when I have His promises to show me what lies ahead! The intermediate “waiting” period, I find interminably boring! I itch to get things started; just a gentle nudge to get the ball rolling. Not overtly “making things happen”, but rather, a word here, an action there, just to push events along to the inevitable conclusion – His will, not mine! I’d seriously never seen any harm in it! Again, misguided! In the recent mini crisis that landed on my lap, I employed ...

It’s amazing how wilfully blind I have been! For a while now I’ve been praying and asking God for a deeper knowledge and understanding of Him. I had a brief glimpse one day – a glorious moment in the midst of all the chaos – a moment in time when I was given a foretaste of eternity...drenched in His love, I was overwhelmed by the utter beauty, breathless at His awesome glory, broken by the depth of His love...This was Love – pure and holy...poured out on me... But that was one afternoon. Life would be so amazing if I had experiences like that every day. Yet, even as the thought crossed my mind, I knew it wasn’t meant to happen. That glimpse that I was privileged to enjoy was an experience I will always treasure, but it was just that – an experience. Of course that didn’t stop me asking Him for more! The reply was painfully realistic – “... your father ... judged (defended) the cause of the poor and needy... Was not this knowing Me?” says the Lord.” * Ins...

Frankly, I am not enjoying this process! Fear has not been conquered and worry has not been vanquished. My immediate reaction was to unworthily fling back my Father’s love in His face and weep uncontrollably. I find that this lack of control over my life has left me demoralized. I am an easy prey to the most stupid thoughts. And perhaps, not knowing in my lifetime, is too hard a price. I want to rail against the unfairness of it all. But Lord, as I stand, smack in the middle of another storm, the saving grace is that You are with me. For the moment, that is enough.

Father, I realise now that every experience I go through is Your plan and perfect will for me. You are working on me. Knocking a chip off, here; smoothing a rough edge there. I am your unique design, being moulded for a specific purpose. Well, two actually! One, here on earth – to fulfil what You have already prepared for me to do from before time - “ For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” * And, two, to eventually be “fitted together” – laid between other stones, to build Your home. Lord, when I see my life in terms of eternity, I know I am just a tiny thread in the beautiful tapestry that You are weaving; and I am humbled. I now see that You are preparing me to fit perfectly! “...Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone,   in whom the whole building, being fitted together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you also are being built together for a dwellin...

Father, I realise that I am so inadequate. So unworthy of all that You have promised. And I know it is not about me. It is Your grace. You who are to be glorified. All I can say is Thank You, Lord... Please, may I desire You and You alone. “I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward.” Could heart wish more than this, O Lord, My Lord? -          Ruth Bell Graham

Taken from Amy Carmichael’s His Thoughts Said...His Father Said... – “His thoughts said, “The way is rough.”             His Father said, “But every step bringeth thee nearer to thy Home.” His thoughts said, “The fight is fierce.”             His Father said, “He who is near to his Captain is sure to be a target for the archers.” His thoughts said, “The night is long.”             His Father said, “But joy cometh in the morning.” * * Psalm 30:5

So I stand at the threshold of another crossroad. And I find myself struggling with this new avenue. I want to jump up and fight for my rights. I’m fearful of the future. Worst case scenarios crowd my mind and I feel life slipping out of my control. Fear and anger take over and I righteously claim mine. I’m protecting what belongs to me – so I can’t be wrong, right? Then why is there no peace? Only fear and worry? “Lord”, I pray, half-heartedly. “Why are You asking me to do this? It’s unfair!” Deep down, I don’t really want any answers. Just a good fight and a chance to claim my just dues and be proved right! But thankfully He loves me too much to leave me in misery. “ Seek Me and live *,” He said. “How Lord,” I cried. “What should I do?” So He led me to this passage from the book Gold By Moonlight by Amy Carmichael. Based on the verse below, this is what she writes – “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in t...

So, between work and fighting off an annoyingly persistent bout of cold, I’ve fallen deplorably behind in my reading. But, on the bright side, I’ve finally gotten around to writing this post for Father’s Day. (I have good intentions! Unfortunately, they don’t get implemented immediately!) So taking a break from the Reading List, here’s to my dad… My father – well where do I start – there are so many instances I remember from my childhood; instances that have defined our relationship in many ways. I always enjoyed running errands with my dad. My earliest memory is of standing beside him with my arm around his neck as he drove his Mahindra Jeep in Muzaffarpur. I think that’s when I developed a love for jeeps. He had a phrase that he used to describe me, (which I only understood when I was older!) – “Three years old and three feet tall.” After we moved to Hyderabad , I remember many rides, sitting on the petrol tank of his Yezdi. With the wind in my face, and my dad behind me, that ...

A while back I found myself in a curious state – gripped by a sense of righteous anger that my life wasn’t where it ought to be; that there was a better path, but I hadn’t been led down it – so I was plagued with many questions and doubts about my Father’s steering prowess. This discontent was intertwined with a nagging pride and a constant need to prove to anyone who might be listening that my life was “awesome”! It’s quite strange, this obsessive need to incite envy in the people around me! Facebook isn’t much help either way (incitement to envy can backfire, I’ve learnt)! The downward spiral continued inexorably. I’d rake up past offences or perceived injustices and feel nice and sorry for myself – which brought me squarely back to righteous anger again! I’d not realised how appalling my train of thought was until I tried digging a little deeper. Searching for the cause of such utter nonsense masquerading as righteous-indignation-at-my-current-situation/ self-pity/ or even (horrors...

And, we’re through! 28 days complete! I would like to thank all those who made it possible (sorry…couldn’t resist!). Seriously though, I am pleased that I’ve managed to stick this one through. And it’s been an amazing journey. Thanks again, Aisi! On another note – there’s a new road to follow. A new phase, new challenges, new experiences; but it’s stretching out before me, beckoning and promising. Thank you, Father!

This past week has been quite illuminating. I’ve been looking for peace, for strength in the not-knowing, for patience. But it’s eluded me so far. Until I asked myself - why was I so nervous and anxious? Yes, there are several life-altering changes on the line here, but digging deeper still, I asked again – why? The answer revealed a whole lot (not unlike a can of worms!). I found that I really want to follow this particular road (harking back to my metaphor of the crossroad) for all the wrong reasons – security and the knowledge that now I would be able to hold my head high and not be bothered about what people say. How unutterably sad! When did other folks’ definition of a “young-married-woman”, make me ashamed/ afraid/ embarrassed to show who I was? My identity and self-worth comes from my Father, not from the commendations of others or even myself. Knowing that His plan for my life may not fit any pre-conceived ideas, yet trusting Him to see me through because He has the best ...

Standing at a crossroad and waiting for direction is no fun! It’s barely been 24 hours and I’m champing at the bit! A million ideas flutter in and out of my mind; so many plans and no surety. I want to know what I should be doing next; my mind is busy making so many small schedules, I’m barely able to keep up. But I know that all these aren’t the real deal. I asked my Father – why the abundance of choices? Where to from here? What of the future? “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.  * Humph! *Isaiah 55:8

So what drives me – the seen or the unseen? Is it the money MD/I earn and the things I can buy with it (like all the books on my wishlist! *sigh*)? Or is it the desire for these “essentials” that motivates me to do what I do? Chesterton argues that it is the unseen;* and as I grapple with this issue, first hand, I wonder… For a while I thought I’d gotten over my hardfistedness, until it chose to rear its cynical self again. I thought my annoyance was justified; so I allowed myself to go over and over the issue until I’d been reduced to a mass of irritated nerves! I also knew that MD wouldn’t agree with my opinions, which just added fuel to the fire! After a fine imaginary argument with an absent MD, (during which I came up with several witty and pithy retorts!), I finally went to my Father and complained. I thought I was right to be angry at MD’s generosity  foolishness. Until He said that I ought to be ashamed of myself! “…And all shall be ashamed who are incens...

Recently I was plagued by that most demoralizing of emotions – Envy. I have my faults; I can list them out, cause they rear their unsightly selves from time to time. However, Envy was never part of the ranks; not, until, a few days back, that is! Which is why it took me a while to recognise it for what it was, masked beneath a cloak of self-pity, materialism and inquisitiveness, as it were! It’s difficult and humbling to acknowledge the depths one can plummet. But as I sat and thought about all that I believed I was missing out on – about the unfairness of life that doesn’t hand over everything you want, the minute you want it (I can understand if you wish to roll your eyes at this unbelievably daft line of reasoning! I’m sure God did!) – He said, “Why do you say…my just claim is passed over by my God?” * And I realised that apart from being ridiculously thoughtless about all the hard work MD was putting in to provide a comfortable life for us, I was being unbelievably ungrateful...

In my bid to be proactive, I’ve found others on this journey – fellow travellers who are treading this very same road! Thanks aisi! Moping around and being tragic has made me realise one thing – it’s much easier to allow negativity and cynicism to run amok than to look at life with the innocence and hope of a child. If being a “grown-up” means that I have to live without joy, then please, allow me to bow out! “Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation…” * This is my quest – to find pleasure in the insignificant, hope in the glorious and the joy that only my Father can give! “Gather my broken fragments to a whole… Take up the things that I have cast away In vice or indolence or unwise play. Let mine be a merry, all-receiving heart, But make it whole, with light in every part.” -          George MacDonald *Psalm 51:12 (a)

I used to think I needed endurance to run the race and always saw it in terms of the strength to persevere in the face of pain, problems and trials. But I find that I need special grace and a double measure of endurance when the going is hunky dory so to speak! Life is good, I have so many blessings and in this cocoon of comfort I find my closeness with my Father slipping. It gets harder to find time to spend in prayer, harder to meditate on His Word and harder to sit in His Presence and just be. Sometimes I would rather have the pain and problems of affliction because then I go in search of Him with a sincere heart! It’s so easy to become comfortable, read lukewarm! And that’s the worst place to be spiritually or otherwise! As the author of Hebrews says, “…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith…” * The clue here is to look to Jesus – whether the going is rough or smooth. Especially when it’s smooth! ...

What is it about the Past that refuses to loosen its clutches on the Present? They say time heals and helps you forget. I wonder – does it really? I’ve seen over and over again, how something small and insignificant can trigger a memory, unleashing an avalanche of feelings and images which you’d thought to be completely dead, buried and forgotten. Mistakes you’ve made, decisions taken, injustices and wrongs committed against you, betrayal, rejection, and the list goes on. As I sat and contemplated this, a yawning abyss of hopelessness seemed to open up before me. The cycle seemed endless, only resulting in the Past being granted greater power to hurt than heal. Seeking an answer, and if not an answer at least a modicum of sense in this wretchedness, I turned to my Father’s Word, and (not surprisingly) found both! “…the former shall not be remembered or come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I create…” * He never fails to amaze me! Allowing God to take charge of ...

I heard the conclusion of the wheelbarrow story the other day. When the tightrope walker asked for a volunteer to get into the wheelbarrow and be pushed across, several hundred feet off the ground, he was met with complete silence. Finally a little five year-old boy ran forward, got into the wheelbarrow and was pushed across safely. When the little chap got back on terra firma, people gathered around and asked him how he had been so brave. His reply was simple – “But why should I have been afraid? It was my dad who was pushing me!” So I made the momentous decision to get into the wheelbarrow! And I’m being trundled across the tightrope at the moment. The future is very unsure, but sitting in this wheelbarrow, I’m learning several lessons. Waiting patiently for one! I’m not too good at that. My Father and I have had some skirmishes. I want to stand up and assert my independence. All that seems to do is cause the wheelbarrow to wobble dreadfully! I wanted to give up at one point. Wait...