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Father, I realise that I am so inadequate. So unworthy of all that You have promised. And I know it is not about me. It is Your grace. You who are to be glorified. All I can say is Thank You, Lord... Please, may I desire You and You alone. “I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward.” Could heart wish more than this, O Lord, My Lord? -          Ruth Bell Graham

Like a shadow declining Swiftly away...away... Like the dew of the morning Gone with the heat of the day; Like the wind in the treetops, Like a wave of the sea, So are our lives on earth when seen In the light of eternity. -           Ruth Bell Graham Over the last few months, one thing I’ve realised is that I can never take life for granted. Life – living – it’s all so ephemeral. Here today and gone tomorrow. Nothing is set in stone. Nothing lasts forever. Least of all, life. But through the uncertainty of today, there is hope. The future is sure. It is secure. As simple as it may be, the knowledge is a balm. That this isn’t it. We will see him again. Heaven is not a dreamt-up sop for grieving folks, but a reality. An absolute. Which makes living worthwhile. “...He has put eternity in (our) hearts...”   * * Ecclesiastes 3:11

Through the lows, I’ve gone from one random thought to the next. Emotions and feelings swinging wildly like a pendulum, but always in silence. There is no love. No desire to serve. No hope. Only a foolish longing for things to go back to the way they were. Followed, unfailingly, by the guilt, for allowing the self-pity to weaken. So despicable in its selfishness. Dealing with fears and doubts leads to an isolated, lonely existence, I’ve learned. I do not claim to have the answers. Just that there have been moments of clarity that have lifted the fog of confusion. Moments when I realise that I’m not struggling on my own. Thank you, Lord! The growing darkness closes in Like some thick fog, Engulfing me – A creeping horror – Till I learned, “the darkness hideth not From Thee.” ...As in a darkened room One knows – Knows without sight – Another there, So, in the darkness, Sure I knew Thy presence, And the cold despair, Formless and chaotic, merged ...

So, over the past few months, my life can ideally be termed as “a series of unfortunate events”. My life’s been turned upside down in ways I never even dreamed possible. The only definite understanding I can take away from all this is that life will never be the same again. With regard to one specific event, I know I cannot even begin to understand or feel what MD is going through. I tried to empathise, but every time, my heart tightened up and there was so much pain; a lump in my throat that refused to go away and eyes that hurt from the tears that refused to fall. It was heartbreaking. Needless to say, I’ve had loads of questions. I can’t make sense of the agony. So unnecessary. Why? Hammering over and over in my head – why? Why? Why? All that I’ve read and believed, didn’t really make much sense. I felt completely lost, groping in the dark, trying to find light and meaning. Then several things worked together for my good! Reading Ruth Bell Graham’s Collected Poems for one! Lo...