inkhorn

**This post first appeared on Indiaanya ** Have you ever been asked this question, “Did you have a love marriage or an arranged marriage?” When I was asked this the first time, it stumped me for a bit because I couldn't classify my marriage under either! When I was twenty-four my parents and I moved to Chennai. This was the first time I had lived in the land of my origins. Having spoken only English and Hindi all my life, hearing Tamil all around me was a bit of a shocker. To add to all the confusion, since I was at the “ideal marriageable age” my parents started getting questioned by relatives and friends, “So when are you getting your daughter married?” or “Twenty-four? That's old. You should do something soon otherwise she won't find anyone,” or “What criteria are you looking for? Nadar?” That was when I realised that being from a particular community and caste meant a lot, even to Christians. The most provoking question, though, had to be, “How much gold are you ...

We’ve made it to five, love! Can you believe it? Through squabbles And making up; Laughter and tears; Crazy splurging on Amazon (!) And finally learning How much food to cook For a guy (!!); It’s been an Awesome five, darling! Though this year I haven’t got you a gift; A tiny, sometimes squalling, Wee human keeps me a bit tied up, you see! Here is a little something, To keep you going, just the same. Five little word gifts, Just for you! Love bears all things* : Cause you’ve learnt to bear Living with me (Letting me into every box!) And we’ll bear Being away from each other too! It’s not forever, Thankfully! Love believes all things* : I’ve seen you become My protector And provider, My strength And my support; A man I respect, Trust, Dearly love And admire – my husband! I believe you’ll be The awesomest dad For our little CP too! Love hopes all things* : I hope our love Will keep growing ...

We have a bunch of stories – four years worth – some old, some new, some not even that good! But they all bear testament to a life of wedded bliss! There’s the time we took a stroll on the beach; and while I gazed romantically at the moon, you eyed a roasted corn cob lovingly! I always chuckle at our vastly differing priorities! Then there was the time you rummaged through old bookshops along with me! I’m not sure, what pleased me more – the horde we collected that day, or having you beside me the whole way! Remember our first fight? Both on our high horses refusing to give in – three days! What pride, then! Now, we barely manage to argue for an hour, if that long! It’s too much a waste of time, the silent treatment! I can never forget the time I was wretchedly ill; you left everything to nurse me, and you did it with such panache! I love you for that, my hero! I’ve come to recognise love – no...

Three years ago, today, around eleven-thirty, you pledged your love to me, before God and family. Three years ago, today, around half-past three, you and I, waved everyone goodbye, then played a game of TT! * Three years ago, today, around seven in the evening, we had some soup and some chicken wings, and watched some TV. ** Three years, today, my love, I can’t believe how they’ve flown, And the joy of being with you, has only grown. Three years behind us And, ahead, all of eternity; and all I can think about, is God answering all my prayers, and giving you to me! -          R. D. P. * True story! ** Again, true story!

“Calm me, O Lord, as You stilled the storm, Still me, O Lord, keep me from harm, Let all the tumult within me cease, Enfold me, Lord, in You peace.” -           Celtic Traditional So being confined to the bed with a broken ankle can be very illuminating in many aspects. In terms of experiencing enforced rest for one. Also being treated like a queen helps, no end! Apart from the usual cribbing and discomfort, the past four weeks have been fun too. (Yes, I did say ‘fun’ and I have not lost my marbles!) MD, long-sufferingly, has been waiting on me hand and foot and making me innumerable cups of tea! (Yes, he is a sweetheart and I love him very much!) Apart from all that, it’s also given me time to just chill (to borrow from a young cousin’s vocabulary!) with God. By no means have the winds died down. There are still times when I just want to throw it all up. But since I can’t walk off anywhere (literally!), it’s helped ...

So, over the past few months, my life can ideally be termed as “a series of unfortunate events”. My life’s been turned upside down in ways I never even dreamed possible. The only definite understanding I can take away from all this is that life will never be the same again. With regard to one specific event, I know I cannot even begin to understand or feel what MD is going through. I tried to empathise, but every time, my heart tightened up and there was so much pain; a lump in my throat that refused to go away and eyes that hurt from the tears that refused to fall. It was heartbreaking. Needless to say, I’ve had loads of questions. I can’t make sense of the agony. So unnecessary. Why? Hammering over and over in my head – why? Why? Why? All that I’ve read and believed, didn’t really make much sense. I felt completely lost, groping in the dark, trying to find light and meaning. Then several things worked together for my good! Reading Ruth Bell Graham’s Collected Poems for one! Lo...

I feel a sense of déjà vu. I know the way forward – to a certain extent – and I want to move ahead, at my pace. Unfortunately not everyone around me is so obliging. So I find that I have to wait; be still and allow things to sort themselves out, rather than make a million plans and see none falling into place! Which is enough to make the most mild-mannered person want to pull their hair out in frustration! Instead, I got my hair cut and styled! But I digress. The point I’m belabouring is that my search of quietness is beginning to look like a trudge through an ever-lengthening tunnel! And this quest is turning me into a control-freak a.k.a Ms-Bossy-Two-Shoes! I got called that to my face a couple of nights back. And the worst part – I didn’t realise I was being “bossy”! Horrors! Anyway, I asked MD, in a moment of panic (not related to the being-called-bossy-incident!) about how one ought to go about being still? His reply was surprisingly simple. “Every time you think about the n...

So what drives me – the seen or the unseen? Is it the money MD/I earn and the things I can buy with it (like all the books on my wishlist! *sigh*)? Or is it the desire for these “essentials” that motivates me to do what I do? Chesterton argues that it is the unseen;* and as I grapple with this issue, first hand, I wonder… For a while I thought I’d gotten over my hardfistedness, until it chose to rear its cynical self again. I thought my annoyance was justified; so I allowed myself to go over and over the issue until I’d been reduced to a mass of irritated nerves! I also knew that MD wouldn’t agree with my opinions, which just added fuel to the fire! After a fine imaginary argument with an absent MD, (during which I came up with several witty and pithy retorts!), I finally went to my Father and complained. I thought I was right to be angry at MD’s generosity  foolishness. Until He said that I ought to be ashamed of myself! “…And all shall be ashamed who are incens...

As we celebrate two years of togetherness, you’ve shown me that Love is very different from the books one reads or the movies one watches… Love is… …drawing a picture of Mickey Mouse and addressing it to your “darling wife”. …finding me beautiful at six in the morning! …waking me up with kisses …yelling ‘Darling’ from the top of a hill in Hognekal when you couldn’t see me anywhere in the river below! …not buying those awful red shoes! (yes, 'awful' not 'awesome'!) …being so worried when I look a little sad …not telling me to shut up when I begin my “Do-you-remembers” about our story for the hundredth time! …telling me that you’d make sure you got to heaven ‘cause you weren’t going to let me spend eternity alone. …singing ‘Layla’ off-key …holding me close when I need it the most …the look on your face which tells me more than words that you love me …speaking Hindi with your cute Tamil accent! …not being able to stay angry with each other even after a fight …falling asl...

Recently I was plagued by that most demoralizing of emotions – Envy. I have my faults; I can list them out, cause they rear their unsightly selves from time to time. However, Envy was never part of the ranks; not, until, a few days back, that is! Which is why it took me a while to recognise it for what it was, masked beneath a cloak of self-pity, materialism and inquisitiveness, as it were! It’s difficult and humbling to acknowledge the depths one can plummet. But as I sat and thought about all that I believed I was missing out on – about the unfairness of life that doesn’t hand over everything you want, the minute you want it (I can understand if you wish to roll your eyes at this unbelievably daft line of reasoning! I’m sure God did!) – He said, “Why do you say…my just claim is passed over by my God?” * And I realised that apart from being ridiculously thoughtless about all the hard work MD was putting in to provide a comfortable life for us, I was being unbelievably ungrateful...

MD and I were chatting the other day and I asked him for feedback on my writing. Apart from all the nice things he said (which I shan’t embarrass my readers with!), we discussed the reason I call myself inkhorn . The explanation, according to him, deserved a post in itself.  An inkhorn is an archaic description of an inkwell or a small, portable container for ink. As such, it is constantly being emptied of its contents and being refilled – to be emptied again. An inkhorn is a valuable, necessary tool for any writer. Without it, a pen that runs dry would be useless. When I chose to become a writer, I prayed that God would use me, my skills and my work for His glory. I wanted my life to be emptied again and again of all self and be filled with His love. To be honest, some portions of being emptied are quite painful, but the hope and joy is that He fills me up, to continue my journey of being transformed into His likeness. So I am His inkhorn ; for Him to write His story with!

I sit and contemplate – we argued You and I – In silence, arguing still. I am hurting and so Are you; But where did it all begin? With some non-issue! I silently stare ahead, Studiously avoiding your eyes. Thoughts flit into my mind – I wonder if we could go back To not loving – ‘Cause love and hope Succour pain, And sometimes tis better not to feel at all. Sweet numbness, Shroud me. What blessed relief, To stop fighting the inevitable! Then! Before I can slide Under a cold shell, A ringing shout – “Stop wallowing! Get UP! Fight!” “Is that you Lord?” Ask I, slightly confused! Then light breaks – We are one, You and I. So I fight – the numbness And indifference That creeps in so insidiously – For us. I steal a glance from The corner of my eye, And catch you stealing A glance at me. And I realise - oh glorious fact! – We can never go back To not loving! - R.D.P

It was a lovely day – a mere 24 hours, but a lifetime of memories – stolen out of our everyday routine. A day of laughter, of enjoying each other’s company, of finding joy in that most mundane of things – grocery shopping! Of watching an old movie together and chuckling at Cary Grant’s antics; of talking philosophy and apologetics and re-experiencing, with delight, the pleasure of finding someone on the same wavelength; of catching each other’s eyes across the room and sharing that silent smile; of seeing our prayers answered as we spent time together with our Father; of lying in each other’s arms, content and at rest. It’s days like these that give us the strength to meet the rest.

I stand at the little church, Beneath a benign arch. The music gently beckons, As I take a moment to quiet My fluttering heart, And wonder – There is a higher calling; Am I really prepared? With bowed head, I Wing a prayer heavenward, And lift my eyes to see, Beyond a sea Of dear faces – encouraging, congratulating – Yours, the dearest of them all. He led me to you; So clearly, So beautifully. And as I walk down this well-worn aisle, He leads me again. As we pledge our lives together, Affirming words that are age-worn, yet Beautiful in their simplicity, I see your love mirrored in your eyes And know that mine must reflect them too. “My heart is stilled to perfect rest” He is here; With us. There is a higher calling – true. And that is the reason He brought us together. With me beside you, We are prepared. Life stretches before us, Filled with its own challenges. And as I place my hand In yours, I know That the word He gave Me, is true – “Two ar...

“Never let it end, God, Never – please – All this growing loveliness, All of these Brief moments of fresh pleasure – Never let it end. Let us always Be a little breathless At love’s beauty; Never let us Pause to reason From a sense of duty; Never let us Stop to measure Just how much to give; Never let us Stoop to weigh; Let us live – And live! Please, God, Let our hearts kneel always, Love their only master, Knowing the warm impulsiveness Of shattered alabaster… So Never let it end, God, Never – please.” - Ruth Bell Graham

I waited for you beside the waters But you did not come. And as I gazed at my reflection, I saw the quiet surface, Ripple and furl. Sunlight that had danced his way Through the billows, Now hid himself, Shying away from what the waters showed – me! The still waters turned choppy And I, lone and cold, Waited for you But you did not come. I ranted and raved, And ordered Him to tell you to come. I was waiting after all. Was it so unfair what I asked? In the silence, And the cold, With only the North wind for company, I finally knelt, Too spent to weep, And gave Him what I’d been holding Tightly to my heart – you. The wind died and The waters stilled. And I saw my watery visage again. The sunlight deigned to grace me With his presence, This time! It dawned on me I had been placing the wrong order. He was leading me to you Not the other way round! So I have begun to walk. Along the green pastures, And beside the still waters; Sometimes dark valleys...