inkhorn

Through the lows, I’ve gone from one random thought to the next. Emotions and feelings swinging wildly like a pendulum, but always in silence. There is no love. No desire to serve. No hope. Only a foolish longing for things to go back to the way they were. Followed, unfailingly, by the guilt, for allowing the self-pity to weaken. So despicable in its selfishness. Dealing with fears and doubts leads to an isolated, lonely existence, I’ve learned. I do not claim to have the answers. Just that there have been moments of clarity that have lifted the fog of confusion. Moments when I realise that I’m not struggling on my own. Thank you, Lord! The growing darkness closes in Like some thick fog, Engulfing me – A creeping horror – Till I learned, “the darkness hideth not From Thee.” ...As in a darkened room One knows – Knows without sight – Another there, So, in the darkness, Sure I knew Thy presence, And the cold despair, Formless and chaotic, merged ...

A while back I found myself in a curious state – gripped by a sense of righteous anger that my life wasn’t where it ought to be; that there was a better path, but I hadn’t been led down it – so I was plagued with many questions and doubts about my Father’s steering prowess. This discontent was intertwined with a nagging pride and a constant need to prove to anyone who might be listening that my life was “awesome”! It’s quite strange, this obsessive need to incite envy in the people around me! Facebook isn’t much help either way (incitement to envy can backfire, I’ve learnt)! The downward spiral continued inexorably. I’d rake up past offences or perceived injustices and feel nice and sorry for myself – which brought me squarely back to righteous anger again! I’d not realised how appalling my train of thought was until I tried digging a little deeper. Searching for the cause of such utter nonsense masquerading as righteous-indignation-at-my-current-situation/ self-pity/ or even (horrors...