inkhorn

Through the lows, I’ve gone from one random thought to the next. Emotions and feelings swinging wildly like a pendulum, but always in silence. There is no love. No desire to serve. No hope. Only a foolish longing for things to go back to the way they were. Followed, unfailingly, by the guilt, for allowing the self-pity to weaken. So despicable in its selfishness. Dealing with fears and doubts leads to an isolated, lonely existence, I’ve learned. I do not claim to have the answers. Just that there have been moments of clarity that have lifted the fog of confusion. Moments when I realise that I’m not struggling on my own. Thank you, Lord! The growing darkness closes in Like some thick fog, Engulfing me – A creeping horror – Till I learned, “the darkness hideth not From Thee.” ...As in a darkened room One knows – Knows without sight – Another there, So, in the darkness, Sure I knew Thy presence, And the cold despair, Formless and chaotic, merged ...

So, over the past few months, my life can ideally be termed as “a series of unfortunate events”. My life’s been turned upside down in ways I never even dreamed possible. The only definite understanding I can take away from all this is that life will never be the same again. With regard to one specific event, I know I cannot even begin to understand or feel what MD is going through. I tried to empathise, but every time, my heart tightened up and there was so much pain; a lump in my throat that refused to go away and eyes that hurt from the tears that refused to fall. It was heartbreaking. Needless to say, I’ve had loads of questions. I can’t make sense of the agony. So unnecessary. Why? Hammering over and over in my head – why? Why? Why? All that I’ve read and believed, didn’t really make much sense. I felt completely lost, groping in the dark, trying to find light and meaning. Then several things worked together for my good! Reading Ruth Bell Graham’s Collected Poems for one! Lo...

Some pieces of verse that have stirred my soul lately – Sometimes, hard-trying, it seems I cannot pray – For doubt, and pain, and anger, and all strife. Yet some poor half-fledged prayer-bird from the nest May fall, flit, fly and perch – crouch in the bowery breast Of the large…tree of life – Moveless there sit through all the burning day, And on my heart at night a fresh leaf cooling lay. ~x~ Doubt swells and surges, with swelling doubt behind! My soul in storm is but a tattered sail, Streaming its ribbons on the torrent gale; In calm, ‘tis but a limp and flapping thing: Oh! Swell it with thy breath; make it a wing – To sweep through thee the ocean, with thee the wind Nor rest until in thee its haven it shall find. ~x~ I to myself have neither power nor worth, Patience nor love, nor anything right good; My soul is a poor land, plenteous in dearth – Here blades of grass, there a small herb for food – A nothing that would be something if it could; But if obedience, Lord, in me do ...

There are times when I know what I’m thinking is wrong. My mind turns into a playground for all and sundry to walk in; one thought leads to another and I find myself spiralling downward into a hell of my very own making. It’s frustrating and painful to say nothing of being highly unnecessary! I hated being reduced to a mass of nerves and questions, tossed from end to end. So I went back to the Word – the only sound foundation – and found Paul unequivocally say, “…bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” * As someone so succinctly put it – thoughts engender emotions which in turn stimulate actions . Reality check! The mess in my head would eventually lead to a blinding catastrophe in my life if I didn’t get my act together! Obeying Christ involves believing and trusting in Him and His Word. So obviously my thoughts of doubt, fear, hopelessness – the very lack of joy – were glaring disobedience! Duh! And each time I chose to dwell on them (most of them wel...

Fear and Worry – that two-headed monster that rears its ghastly head periodically – was at it again. It’s sibling, Doubt, flit in as well, to add to the party! And as frustrating as it was for me to wage this never-ending battle to subdue them, I wondered how frustrating it must be for God to watch me! Here I was – well-fed, well-dressed and well-read – with a loving family and friends. Yet, even in all that I usually managed to unearth some issue to worry myself silly about. (I think I have a special gift!) So, as Faith took a beating, I tottered and wondered, “I know I should trust God. Rejoice and praise Him for every situation. But the future seems so scary sometimes!” And then I had an epiphany! I realised I was back on the wheelbarrow! I don’t think I ever got off, in the first place! And my Father gently reminded me (oh the patience He has with me!) “The Lord…has sworn, saying, “Surely, as I have thought, so it shall come to pass, And as I have purposed, so it shall stan...

Sometimes God amazes me at the speed at which He answers my questions. And He doesn’t beat around the bush either! I’d struggled with doubt and fear, completely inundated by a “confusion of heart”. And I wondered why I was unable to find any sort of victory in this area. So I asked my Father – where had I gone wrong? Had I disobeyed His will? His reply was instantaneous! (I think in all my doubting I’d been getting the wrong end of the stick! It was like He’d been waiting for me to come to my senses and start asking the right questions!) “…you did not serve the Lord your God with joy and gladness of heart, for the abundance of everything…” * These moments of blinding revelation seem to be getting quite frequent! I realised I had only myself to blame. I was allowing the Devil to rob me of the joy and gladness that was rightfully mine. Not being joyful was tantamount to saying, “I don’t trust You, God. I don’t think You know what You’re doing. So I choose to worry and doubt and fea...