inkhorn

Another soul-searing truth I’ve learnt about myself is that I’ve never really loved my Father! I mean, yes, I do love Him (or thought I did), because He died for me and saved me and all that, but, truly, deep down, if I was being brutally honest, I’m not sure how real my love for Him is. I’ve never sought Jesus just for the pleasure of His company! I’ve always come to Him for...something; needs to be met, unfulfilled desires or even guidance for the next step. But just to come and sit at His feet and bask in His presence? Rarely, if ever. I can probably count those times on one hand! The heart-breaking truth is that He loves me in spite of my grasping, opportunistic tendencies. He is willing to take me...even like this!

So here I am, at another Blogathon. This one is turning out to be more of a discipline than I’d bargained for - learning to be still in the midst of chaos and putting pen to paper. As difficult as it seems today, I believe it needs to be done. Thanks FD for understanding, and those kind thoughts of comfort. My grandfather, went home to Jesus last week. He was 99 years old. There are so many thoughts flying through my mind right now as I try to straighten out and put down my feelings. Even though I knew this day would come, it still doesn’t lessen the pain and shock or prepare you in any way. I still feel sad. I still wish he were here. I still miss him. There are so many things I remember about him. Thatha , as we lovingly called him, was a force to be reckoned with. A brilliant sportsman, he had a whole trunk full of trophies and medals, garnered over years of competing and winning. But I admire him more for never boasting of his laurels. He had more to boast about than...

Father, I realise now that every experience I go through is Your plan and perfect will for me. You are working on me. Knocking a chip off, here; smoothing a rough edge there. I am your unique design, being moulded for a specific purpose. Well, two actually! One, here on earth – to fulfil what You have already prepared for me to do from before time - “ For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” * And, two, to eventually be “fitted together” – laid between other stones, to build Your home. Lord, when I see my life in terms of eternity, I know I am just a tiny thread in the beautiful tapestry that You are weaving; and I am humbled. I now see that You are preparing me to fit perfectly! “...Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone,   in whom the whole building, being fitted together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you also are being built together for a dwellin...

“Then a dispute arose among them as to which of them would be greatest.   And Jesus, perceive(d) the thought of their heart .” * A part of me always despised the disciples for arguing about who was the greatest. What a childish, ridiculous debate. Men! Trust them to be fighting about some non-issue. Such big egos. Which sensible person would wrangle saying, “I am the greatest.” Well that was my condescending attitude until I saw them in a new light. It was contended that we are all surprisingly/ shockingly similar to the disciples in that we compare ourselves to each other. Talk about being douched in cold water! I cannot even begin to count the number of times I look at someone and mentally decide, “Oh I’d never do that” or “I’m better in that sense” or even, “Oh no, he/she is so much more thoughtful/spiritual/good-looking, etc than I could ever be.” Innumerable times I’ve mentally compared – I vs. Mr. /Ms. X. Sub-consciously tallying the results – who is bet...

A while back I found myself in a curious state – gripped by a sense of righteous anger that my life wasn’t where it ought to be; that there was a better path, but I hadn’t been led down it – so I was plagued with many questions and doubts about my Father’s steering prowess. This discontent was intertwined with a nagging pride and a constant need to prove to anyone who might be listening that my life was “awesome”! It’s quite strange, this obsessive need to incite envy in the people around me! Facebook isn’t much help either way (incitement to envy can backfire, I’ve learnt)! The downward spiral continued inexorably. I’d rake up past offences or perceived injustices and feel nice and sorry for myself – which brought me squarely back to righteous anger again! I’d not realised how appalling my train of thought was until I tried digging a little deeper. Searching for the cause of such utter nonsense masquerading as righteous-indignation-at-my-current-situation/ self-pity/ or even (horrors...

I look not back: God sees the fruitless efforts, The wasted hours, the sinning and regrets; I leave them all with Him who blots the record, And graciously forgives and then forgets. I look not forward, God sees all the future, The road that long, or short, will lead me home. And He will face with me each trial And bear with me the burden that may come. But I look up, up to the face of Jesus: For there my heart can rest, my fears are stilled And there is joy and love and light for darkness And perfect peace and every hope fulfilled.     - Anonymous, sent to the charity Through The Roof

Dear B, As sisters go, we’re probably a unique pair. Such opposites, yet we get along so well. (As you probably realised by now, yes, I miss you!) I came across the poem that I wrote for you before I left home. And it brought back so many memories of you. I love so many things about you. Your buoyant enthusiasm and the tendency to jump into every enterprise, feet first! (How many times have I had to be the voice of sanity, if not reason!) Your unflagging loyalty and your penchant for flying to the defence of the three most closest to your heart, then (am adding L to the ranks now!). You have this amazing gift of reaching out to people and giving so much of yourself without expecting anything in return. I love the generosity of spirit and heart that sets you apart from all the rest. You feel things so deeply, yet you have a childlike joy and delight in the silliest of things! Your optimism surrounds you like a cloud (remember the stained glass painting of the butterflies and bubble...

So I asked for joy and He poured out His love on me! Salvation is all about Him! As my earthly father explained all that my heavenly Father had done, all I could do was gaze on Him in wonder. It did not suffice that He sent Jesus to die for me, but He comes to meet me at my level, reaching out to me, endowing me with righteousness, each day. Now I understand what Jeremiah meant when he said that His mercies are new every morning! * And all that He asks in return is Trust. And I fail even to do that! When the Devil presents a different view (read lie!), I believe him and abandon confidence in God so quickly. Every day I have a choice – to believe a lie and live in doubt or to believe my Father and live by Faith! Oh how can I not? The very fact that I can now stand before Him is a gift; a symbol of His love, which He has lavished on me. I whisper “Thank you”, but it is so inadequate. Grace, unmerited, enfolds me close and tears, unbeckoned, awash my soul. “I do not deserve Thee,...

I used to think I needed endurance to run the race and always saw it in terms of the strength to persevere in the face of pain, problems and trials. But I find that I need special grace and a double measure of endurance when the going is hunky dory so to speak! Life is good, I have so many blessings and in this cocoon of comfort I find my closeness with my Father slipping. It gets harder to find time to spend in prayer, harder to meditate on His Word and harder to sit in His Presence and just be. Sometimes I would rather have the pain and problems of affliction because then I go in search of Him with a sincere heart! It’s so easy to become comfortable, read lukewarm! And that’s the worst place to be spiritually or otherwise! As the author of Hebrews says, “…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith…” * The clue here is to look to Jesus – whether the going is rough or smooth. Especially when it’s smooth! ...

I’ve always had a soft corner for the apostle Peter. He seems so vulnerable and human, prone to mood swings and grand gestures. In spite of the mistakes and blunders he makes, one thing that I appreciate is his sincerity. Also the fact that, several times, he puts into words, exactly what everyone else is thinking but is too afraid to say! In the fifth chapter of Luke, when Jesus told Peter to go back to sea and let down his nets again, he must have experienced several emotions – irritation (because they had already spent a fruitless night and had just finished washing their nets!); doubt (as this Man seemed to know more about expounding Scripture rather than being an authority on fishing!), and a lack of hope, but, underlining it all, a sense that he ought to obey Him. His reply is typically Peteresque – “Master, we have toiled all night and caught nothing; nevertheless at your word I will let down the net.” I wonder if he believed at all that they would catch anything. I wouldn’t...

Ever wonder why Jesus applauded the man who built his house on the rock? (Yeah because it didn’t collapse like the other sandy one!) Bear with me as I muddle my way through this thought… One thing that Jesus doesn’t seem to question, is the appalling number of natural disasters that hit the poor man’s house! “…the rain descended, the floods came and the winds blew and beat on that house…” A telling statement that. As a Christian the one thing we can confidently expect is “trials and tribulation”! Daunting and a tad depressing. But the rest of that verse is the end of the matter, so to speak. “…(the) house…did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.”