inkhorn

Faced by rock, impregnable, cold, I claw and clamour, wondering - 'Where do I even begin looking for hope?' At the door, are despair and anguish; So I clutch at straws - 'He has promised after all, can it get worse?' Finally, in desperation, I clench the Word, staring blankly, eyes clouded, by misery. Until! A phrase, stands up and shouts - “...God is the strength of my heart...”* - my heart ;  not  body,  mind,  or  spirit.  (Though He is  all that too!) Just the salve, my sore self needed, to ease the hurt and pain. Rest finally enfolds me and peace enters - He is “...the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”* Oh bliss!                          ...

“Calm me, O Lord, as You stilled the storm, Still me, O Lord, keep me from harm, Let all the tumult within me cease, Enfold me, Lord, in You peace.” -           Celtic Traditional So being confined to the bed with a broken ankle can be very illuminating in many aspects. In terms of experiencing enforced rest for one. Also being treated like a queen helps, no end! Apart from the usual cribbing and discomfort, the past four weeks have been fun too. (Yes, I did say ‘fun’ and I have not lost my marbles!) MD, long-sufferingly, has been waiting on me hand and foot and making me innumerable cups of tea! (Yes, he is a sweetheart and I love him very much!) Apart from all that, it’s also given me time to just chill (to borrow from a young cousin’s vocabulary!) with God. By no means have the winds died down. There are still times when I just want to throw it all up. But since I can’t walk off anywhere (literally!), it’s helped ...

“I heard you in the secret place of the storm. In the secret place among the unspoken things, there am I.”* So I’d reached the point of no return. In the silence, stripped of all platitudes, finally it was just Him and I. No pretence. No highfalutin nonsense. Just the plain truth. He listened patiently as I, through tears and heartbrokenness, poured out all my fears, complaints and inabilities to Him. I told Him it was too much. I couldn’t go on. “What is your ultimate desire?” He asked in infinite kindness. “I don’t know,” was my miserable reply. And then, He lifted the veil from my eyes and I finally understood what was paralyzing me – the fear of the unknown. “But I’m scared Lord.” I justified, angrily. “I’m afraid of the road You’ve prepared for me. I’m scared it’s going to get more painful as I continue walking. I don’t know what worse “surprises” lie ahead!” Yet, even as I said it I saw that my resistance was filling me with dread and hopelessnes...

This past week has been quite illuminating. I’ve been looking for peace, for strength in the not-knowing, for patience. But it’s eluded me so far. Until I asked myself - why was I so nervous and anxious? Yes, there are several life-altering changes on the line here, but digging deeper still, I asked again – why? The answer revealed a whole lot (not unlike a can of worms!). I found that I really want to follow this particular road (harking back to my metaphor of the crossroad) for all the wrong reasons – security and the knowledge that now I would be able to hold my head high and not be bothered about what people say. How unutterably sad! When did other folks’ definition of a “young-married-woman”, make me ashamed/ afraid/ embarrassed to show who I was? My identity and self-worth comes from my Father, not from the commendations of others or even myself. Knowing that His plan for my life may not fit any pre-conceived ideas, yet trusting Him to see me through because He has the best ...

There are times when I know what I’m thinking is wrong. My mind turns into a playground for all and sundry to walk in; one thought leads to another and I find myself spiralling downward into a hell of my very own making. It’s frustrating and painful to say nothing of being highly unnecessary! I hated being reduced to a mass of nerves and questions, tossed from end to end. So I went back to the Word – the only sound foundation – and found Paul unequivocally say, “…bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” * As someone so succinctly put it – thoughts engender emotions which in turn stimulate actions . Reality check! The mess in my head would eventually lead to a blinding catastrophe in my life if I didn’t get my act together! Obeying Christ involves believing and trusting in Him and His Word. So obviously my thoughts of doubt, fear, hopelessness – the very lack of joy – were glaring disobedience! Duh! And each time I chose to dwell on them (most of them wel...