inkhorn

Frankly, I am not enjoying this process! Fear has not been conquered and worry has not been vanquished. My immediate reaction was to unworthily fling back my Father’s love in His face and weep uncontrollably. I find that this lack of control over my life has left me demoralized. I am an easy prey to the most stupid thoughts. And perhaps, not knowing in my lifetime, is too hard a price. I want to rail against the unfairness of it all. But Lord, as I stand, smack in the middle of another storm, the saving grace is that You are with me. For the moment, that is enough.

Aches and pains, Fears and cares; Some real, Some hidden, Most, not even there. Burdened by this life; I need some respite. I remember him; With a little envy perhaps. He’s cut loose, He’s free! Why him And not me? Understanding, I don’t claim; Nor any clarity. Where to, from here, Lord? I’m tired, help me. -           R. D. P.

“I heard you in the secret place of the storm. In the secret place among the unspoken things, there am I.”* So I’d reached the point of no return. In the silence, stripped of all platitudes, finally it was just Him and I. No pretence. No highfalutin nonsense. Just the plain truth. He listened patiently as I, through tears and heartbrokenness, poured out all my fears, complaints and inabilities to Him. I told Him it was too much. I couldn’t go on. “What is your ultimate desire?” He asked in infinite kindness. “I don’t know,” was my miserable reply. And then, He lifted the veil from my eyes and I finally understood what was paralyzing me – the fear of the unknown. “But I’m scared Lord.” I justified, angrily. “I’m afraid of the road You’ve prepared for me. I’m scared it’s going to get more painful as I continue walking. I don’t know what worse “surprises” lie ahead!” Yet, even as I said it I saw that my resistance was filling me with dread and hopelessnes...

One of the things that changed over the past few months was the way I saw God. Up till this moment, my faith in Him had been unshaken. Even in times of testing, I’d always had the underlying belief that God would be good to me. “Good” obviously, as I saw “goodness” – with things going my way and I (and those around me) being happy. Even through the pain of losing a loved one, I could see some measure of His goodness. Glimpses of His strength and grace that were sustaining us all. But as the hits kept coming, one after another, my grasp on the Light began to slip and as darkness began to crowd in, I felt, for the first time, fear. I was afraid of God. Afraid of His omniscience and omnipotence. Afraid to ask Him for a reprieve because I didn’t know what would come my way. Afraid of Him – cause He, who stated He loved me with an everlasting love, was suddenly, inexplicably, terrifying in His coldness. I didn’t understand Him anymore. He seemed remote and aloof; implacable in His cr...

Through the lows, I’ve gone from one random thought to the next. Emotions and feelings swinging wildly like a pendulum, but always in silence. There is no love. No desire to serve. No hope. Only a foolish longing for things to go back to the way they were. Followed, unfailingly, by the guilt, for allowing the self-pity to weaken. So despicable in its selfishness. Dealing with fears and doubts leads to an isolated, lonely existence, I’ve learned. I do not claim to have the answers. Just that there have been moments of clarity that have lifted the fog of confusion. Moments when I realise that I’m not struggling on my own. Thank you, Lord! The growing darkness closes in Like some thick fog, Engulfing me – A creeping horror – Till I learned, “the darkness hideth not From Thee.” ...As in a darkened room One knows – Knows without sight – Another there, So, in the darkness, Sure I knew Thy presence, And the cold despair, Formless and chaotic, merged ...

So I stand at the threshold of another crossroad. And I find myself struggling with this new avenue. I want to jump up and fight for my rights. I’m fearful of the future. Worst case scenarios crowd my mind and I feel life slipping out of my control. Fear and anger take over and I righteously claim mine. I’m protecting what belongs to me – so I can’t be wrong, right? Then why is there no peace? Only fear and worry? “Lord”, I pray, half-heartedly. “Why are You asking me to do this? It’s unfair!” Deep down, I don’t really want any answers. Just a good fight and a chance to claim my just dues and be proved right! But thankfully He loves me too much to leave me in misery. “ Seek Me and live *,” He said. “How Lord,” I cried. “What should I do?” So He led me to this passage from the book Gold By Moonlight by Amy Carmichael. Based on the verse below, this is what she writes – “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in t...

There are times when I know what I’m thinking is wrong. My mind turns into a playground for all and sundry to walk in; one thought leads to another and I find myself spiralling downward into a hell of my very own making. It’s frustrating and painful to say nothing of being highly unnecessary! I hated being reduced to a mass of nerves and questions, tossed from end to end. So I went back to the Word – the only sound foundation – and found Paul unequivocally say, “…bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” * As someone so succinctly put it – thoughts engender emotions which in turn stimulate actions . Reality check! The mess in my head would eventually lead to a blinding catastrophe in my life if I didn’t get my act together! Obeying Christ involves believing and trusting in Him and His Word. So obviously my thoughts of doubt, fear, hopelessness – the very lack of joy – were glaring disobedience! Duh! And each time I chose to dwell on them (most of them wel...

Fear and Worry – that two-headed monster that rears its ghastly head periodically – was at it again. It’s sibling, Doubt, flit in as well, to add to the party! And as frustrating as it was for me to wage this never-ending battle to subdue them, I wondered how frustrating it must be for God to watch me! Here I was – well-fed, well-dressed and well-read – with a loving family and friends. Yet, even in all that I usually managed to unearth some issue to worry myself silly about. (I think I have a special gift!) So, as Faith took a beating, I tottered and wondered, “I know I should trust God. Rejoice and praise Him for every situation. But the future seems so scary sometimes!” And then I had an epiphany! I realised I was back on the wheelbarrow! I don’t think I ever got off, in the first place! And my Father gently reminded me (oh the patience He has with me!) “The Lord…has sworn, saying, “Surely, as I have thought, so it shall come to pass, And as I have purposed, so it shall stan...

A verse in Isaiah stopped me in my tracks the other day. It was fairly innocuous on the face of it, but as I stayed my mind and eyes, and looked beyond the printed words, I felt like I’d been douched with a bucket of cold water and warmed by a crackling fire, all at the same time! I had heard recently that we are called to live a victorious life; rising above the mediocrity and commonality all around, to a glorious, abundant, fulfilling one. So I prayed very sincerely and sought His strength. But something was missing and I didn’t even know it until I stumbled across that verse. For a moment in time, I glimpsed, or rather felt, the awesome power and majesty of God. Like a curtain being pulled aside for an instant to present a brief vision, my mind seemed to be suddenly drenched with a sense of overwhelming awe at His splendour and magnificence. And with it came a sense of power – of freedom and strength all in one. Freedom in acknowledging my complete insufficiency and finding stre...

When the Promised Land is in sight and things seem to be progressing towards a natural conclusion, that’s when you’re pulled up in your tracks and life hands you a set of incomprehensibly, painful situations. As confusion and doubt war in my mind, I find that nothing is secure. All I believed was solid and unshakeable, has come crashing down like a house of cards. And all I can do is fall before my Maker and cry, “Help!” And through the pain and fear, I feel a peace descend; and I realise that there is something that is unchangeable, something strong and concrete – Jesus. I remember His words and promises and it is like a burden is lifted off my shoulders. Light breaks through the darkness and I feel a calm assurance flood my soul as I hear His voice, “My Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.” * I remembered the Israelites and how they turned their back on the Promised Land when they saw the problems and faced their own weaknesses. I am at that point and I have two options – tur...

So faith is the evidence of things not seen, the hope of things to come. Yet, I find that I am struggling to have faith, and believe in God. I know that He will bring what He has promised, to pass. But my fear is that I wouldn’t like it, or it wouldn’t be as good as I expect. My mind tells me one thing, and my heart tells me something else. Each day is a tussle, though some days are better than others. The thing is – I will obey Him. That’s the bottom line. But my fear is that I will end up enduring what He gives, rather than enjoying! Strangely enough (or not), all my life, I’ve never been given anything (by Him) that I had to endure. When I’ve obeyed His will, I’ve received the absolute best – not immediately or in the way I expected, but better! So why, on the basis of all that I’ve experienced, do I doubt now? Why is my faith so fleeting and ephemeral? Abraham believed, and it was accounted to him for righteousness. Believing, which would include an element of trusting, is the ...

My little boat just got rocked today. Rough seas ahead, methinks. Here I was, merrily sailing along, and this squall hit me. It’s hard to trust and have faith when I’m quaking inwardly! I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a coward. Well, I knew that already, given my penchant for turning tail and running when faced with a barking canine! But I’m scared. And I feel so lonely. Elijah must have felt the same. I mean, this man had just had the most amazing mountaintop experience – then he hit the ground with a vengeance! Frustrated at his countrymen’s tendency to sit on the fence, threatened by a psychotic, power-crazy queen, no wonder he said, enough is enough! God’s answer was to give him a hot meal and nice long nap! There’s a thought. As someone said, “How many problems are solved by a good night’s sleep!” But I digress. Elijah had an interesting conversation with God. He explained his position ( I have been very zealous for the Lord…the children of Israel have forsaken Your cov...