inkhorn

**This post first appeared on Indiaanya ** Have you ever been asked this question, “Did you have a love marriage or an arranged marriage?” When I was asked this the first time, it stumped me for a bit because I couldn't classify my marriage under either! When I was twenty-four my parents and I moved to Chennai. This was the first time I had lived in the land of my origins. Having spoken only English and Hindi all my life, hearing Tamil all around me was a bit of a shocker. To add to all the confusion, since I was at the “ideal marriageable age” my parents started getting questioned by relatives and friends, “So when are you getting your daughter married?” or “Twenty-four? That's old. You should do something soon otherwise she won't find anyone,” or “What criteria are you looking for? Nadar?” That was when I realised that being from a particular community and caste meant a lot, even to Christians. The most provoking question, though, had to be, “How much gold are you ...

When all is said and done, it boils down to Belief. It’s at the very core of our faith. Belief in what, you ask? It’s more than in the existence of God. Rather, His character, His attributes and their dependability in any given situation. Trusting that He is still in control; trusting that He knows and understands and loves. That He is working out His plan for me, however much the situation may seem to the contrary. Especially, when I want to hit something and yell, “Why?”(Not very ladylike I must admit! Banging pots and pans in the kitchen help relieve the frustration a teeny bit though!) It’s so easy to question God and wonder if, maybe, He made a mistake, or if I misread the signs! Yet that is where belief kicks in. It’s so damnably hard! But it’s a conscious choice to believe that He knows, He cares and that He is in control. Belief cannot be taken lightly. It is the crux; what will finally be reckoned – did I or didn’t I, believe? Was my unbelief, an insidious part of my ...

So I’ve been reading Exodus through to Deuteronomy over the past few months, and have stumbled across various perceptive nuggets of insight from the wilderness wanderings of the (in)famous motley family troupe. These gems were learned the hard way most of the time, if at all! More like “Truth Bombs” as MD would say! It’s a collection that I call “Wilderness Wisdom”... Tried And True? God Doesn't Think So! Most times I live on the basis of tried and true methods. If something has worked for me in the past, I’d rather follow that pattern again, than risk a newfangled one. But God, being the Creative One, doesn't think so! In Numbers 20:8-12, God commands Moses to “speak” to a rock for it to yield its water. This was the second instance of water being brought forth from a rock. Earlier, Moses had been instructed to “strike” the rock, and water had gushed forth. Piece of cake, wouldn't you say? This time should have been easy. He had done it befo...

Three years ago, today, around eleven-thirty, you pledged your love to me, before God and family. Three years ago, today, around half-past three, you and I, waved everyone goodbye, then played a game of TT! * Three years ago, today, around seven in the evening, we had some soup and some chicken wings, and watched some TV. ** Three years, today, my love, I can’t believe how they’ve flown, And the joy of being with you, has only grown. Three years behind us And, ahead, all of eternity; and all I can think about, is God answering all my prayers, and giving you to me! -          R. D. P. * True story! ** Again, true story!

I heard a song a while back. The words are given below. And it got me thinking. We pray for blessings We pray for peace Comfort for family, protection while we sleep We pray for healing, for prosperity We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering All the while, You hear each spoken need Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things 'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights   Are what it takes to know You’re near What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise We pray for wisdom Your voice to hear And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love As if every promise from Your Word is not enough All the while, You hear each desperate plea And long that we'd have faith to believe When friends betray us When darkness seems to win We know that pain reminds this heart That this is not, this is not our hom...

“Calm me, O Lord, as You stilled the storm, Still me, O Lord, keep me from harm, Let all the tumult within me cease, Enfold me, Lord, in You peace.” -           Celtic Traditional So being confined to the bed with a broken ankle can be very illuminating in many aspects. In terms of experiencing enforced rest for one. Also being treated like a queen helps, no end! Apart from the usual cribbing and discomfort, the past four weeks have been fun too. (Yes, I did say ‘fun’ and I have not lost my marbles!) MD, long-sufferingly, has been waiting on me hand and foot and making me innumerable cups of tea! (Yes, he is a sweetheart and I love him very much!) Apart from all that, it’s also given me time to just chill (to borrow from a young cousin’s vocabulary!) with God. By no means have the winds died down. There are still times when I just want to throw it all up. But since I can’t walk off anywhere (literally!), it’s helped ...

It’s a very interesting experience – peering ahead into the darkness, not knowing how the road ahead is going to be – bumpy or smooth, filled with pot-holes, having adequate road signs and rest stops? (Yes, my questions are endless, but I’m thankful He hasn’t given up on me!) Mary Gardiner Brainard said, “I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the light.” After all my ruminating, my questions and my doubts, I’ve realised that I agree! My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end... But I believe that the desire to please You does In fact please You. And I hope I have that desire In all that I am doing. I hope that I will never Do anything apart from that desire. And I know That if I do this, You will lead me by the right road Though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust You always though I may Seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I wil...

“I heard you in the secret place of the storm. In the secret place among the unspoken things, there am I.”* So I’d reached the point of no return. In the silence, stripped of all platitudes, finally it was just Him and I. No pretence. No highfalutin nonsense. Just the plain truth. He listened patiently as I, through tears and heartbrokenness, poured out all my fears, complaints and inabilities to Him. I told Him it was too much. I couldn’t go on. “What is your ultimate desire?” He asked in infinite kindness. “I don’t know,” was my miserable reply. And then, He lifted the veil from my eyes and I finally understood what was paralyzing me – the fear of the unknown. “But I’m scared Lord.” I justified, angrily. “I’m afraid of the road You’ve prepared for me. I’m scared it’s going to get more painful as I continue walking. I don’t know what worse “surprises” lie ahead!” Yet, even as I said it I saw that my resistance was filling me with dread and hopelessnes...

One of the things that changed over the past few months was the way I saw God. Up till this moment, my faith in Him had been unshaken. Even in times of testing, I’d always had the underlying belief that God would be good to me. “Good” obviously, as I saw “goodness” – with things going my way and I (and those around me) being happy. Even through the pain of losing a loved one, I could see some measure of His goodness. Glimpses of His strength and grace that were sustaining us all. But as the hits kept coming, one after another, my grasp on the Light began to slip and as darkness began to crowd in, I felt, for the first time, fear. I was afraid of God. Afraid of His omniscience and omnipotence. Afraid to ask Him for a reprieve because I didn’t know what would come my way. Afraid of Him – cause He, who stated He loved me with an everlasting love, was suddenly, inexplicably, terrifying in His coldness. I didn’t understand Him anymore. He seemed remote and aloof; implacable in His cr...

Through the lows, I’ve gone from one random thought to the next. Emotions and feelings swinging wildly like a pendulum, but always in silence. There is no love. No desire to serve. No hope. Only a foolish longing for things to go back to the way they were. Followed, unfailingly, by the guilt, for allowing the self-pity to weaken. So despicable in its selfishness. Dealing with fears and doubts leads to an isolated, lonely existence, I’ve learned. I do not claim to have the answers. Just that there have been moments of clarity that have lifted the fog of confusion. Moments when I realise that I’m not struggling on my own. Thank you, Lord! The growing darkness closes in Like some thick fog, Engulfing me – A creeping horror – Till I learned, “the darkness hideth not From Thee.” ...As in a darkened room One knows – Knows without sight – Another there, So, in the darkness, Sure I knew Thy presence, And the cold despair, Formless and chaotic, merged ...

I was introduced to C. S. Lewis the usual way – through Narnia. It was only later that I discovered he had written several books on various subjects ranging from theology and apologetics to poetry and science fiction. This little book C. S. Lewis – Readings for Meditation and Reflection is an excellent introduction to his theological and apologetical work, with short excerpts drawn from his various books. Lewis’ unique style of profound simplicity provides honest answers to searching questions. I love his no-nonsense attitude of saying it as it is. There’s no flummery or pseudo-philosophical twaddle. He cuts straight through all the platitudes to the heart of the matter and strikes home! Lewis expounds “…the simplicity that is in Christ.” * Reading his work has made me sit up and think about… well, about what I think! More often than not, I’ve found myself complicating my life through my attitudes and my thought process; but the truth has been so simple all along! It’s liberating!...

From Keep A Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot – “Some of you are perhaps feeling that you are voyaging just now on a moonless sea. Uncertainty surrounds you. There may seem to be no signs to follow. Perhaps you feel about to be engulfed by loneliness. Amy Carmichael wrote of such a feeling when…she had to leave Japan because of poor health. (This preceded her going to India, where she stayed for fifty-three years.) ‘All along, let us remember, we are not asked to understand, but simply to obey … We had come on board on Friday night, and just as the tender (a small boat) … was moving off, and the chill of loneliness shivered through me, like a warm love-clasp came the long-loved lines – “And only heaven is better than to walk with Christ at midnight over moonless seas.” I couldn’t feel frightened then. Praise Him for the moonless seas – all the better the opportunity for proving Him to be indeed the El-Shaddai, “the God who is Enough”.’ Let me add my own word of witness to hers and t...

Here’s a confession - I love my individuality, who I am, what makes me tick, what sets me apart. Simply put – I love what makes me, me! And recently I’ve been stubbornly digging my heels in, refusing to budge from this monument of/to myself that I’ve created! (Ah change – don’t we love it!) It’s hard to give in because it feels like a betrayal of me. If dying to the self means this, then I have a long way to go and many lessons to learn. Now that I look back I realise that my complacent sense of self was making me an insufferable little control-freak who was a pain to be around! The worst thing about having an inflated ego is that you think you’re always right and that everyone around you is conspiring to ruin your life! Thankfully God decided I was too swollen-headed to think straight so he deflated the ‘I’ and set about restoring my sadly misguided principles. If my primary purpose, apart from worshipping Him, is to serve others, how would that be achieved if I insisted on sitting...

“Let us then labour for an inward stillness – An inward stillness and an inward healing; That perfect silence, where the lips and heart Are still, and we no longer entertain Our own imperfect thoughts and vain opinions, But God alone speaks in us, and we wait In singleness of heart, that we may know His will, and in the silence of our spirits That we may do His will, and do that only.”                                                               - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

MD and I were chatting the other day and I asked him for feedback on my writing. Apart from all the nice things he said (which I shan’t embarrass my readers with!), we discussed the reason I call myself inkhorn . The explanation, according to him, deserved a post in itself.  An inkhorn is an archaic description of an inkwell or a small, portable container for ink. As such, it is constantly being emptied of its contents and being refilled – to be emptied again. An inkhorn is a valuable, necessary tool for any writer. Without it, a pen that runs dry would be useless. When I chose to become a writer, I prayed that God would use me, my skills and my work for His glory. I wanted my life to be emptied again and again of all self and be filled with His love. To be honest, some portions of being emptied are quite painful, but the hope and joy is that He fills me up, to continue my journey of being transformed into His likeness. So I am His inkhorn ; for Him to write His story with!

Sometimes something as trivial as moving the furniture around can change one’s point of view entirely! God always has a purpose (even though 80% of the time I may not see it!). Emerging from a phase, brought me to a point where I was thinking about being proactive. Which lead me to join forces with the maid and do some re-designing! So as the beds in the guest room swung across to their new resting place (on the opposite wall), I stood back and took stock. Seeing the room look strangely different made me realise that this was me! (Bear with me as I think this through!) So they’re the same beds in the same room, but now that I see them from a different angle, the entire “feel” of the room’s changed. It’s not even subtle – more like glaringly obvious! So where does that leave me? With my thoughts, priorities and feelings re-aligned! I’ve not always been a big fan of change. I like things the way they’ve always been. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it – would be a favourite catch-phr...

There are times when I know what I’m thinking is wrong. My mind turns into a playground for all and sundry to walk in; one thought leads to another and I find myself spiralling downward into a hell of my very own making. It’s frustrating and painful to say nothing of being highly unnecessary! I hated being reduced to a mass of nerves and questions, tossed from end to end. So I went back to the Word – the only sound foundation – and found Paul unequivocally say, “…bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” * As someone so succinctly put it – thoughts engender emotions which in turn stimulate actions . Reality check! The mess in my head would eventually lead to a blinding catastrophe in my life if I didn’t get my act together! Obeying Christ involves believing and trusting in Him and His Word. So obviously my thoughts of doubt, fear, hopelessness – the very lack of joy – were glaring disobedience! Duh! And each time I chose to dwell on them (most of them wel...

A verse in Isaiah stopped me in my tracks the other day. It was fairly innocuous on the face of it, but as I stayed my mind and eyes, and looked beyond the printed words, I felt like I’d been douched with a bucket of cold water and warmed by a crackling fire, all at the same time! I had heard recently that we are called to live a victorious life; rising above the mediocrity and commonality all around, to a glorious, abundant, fulfilling one. So I prayed very sincerely and sought His strength. But something was missing and I didn’t even know it until I stumbled across that verse. For a moment in time, I glimpsed, or rather felt, the awesome power and majesty of God. Like a curtain being pulled aside for an instant to present a brief vision, my mind seemed to be suddenly drenched with a sense of overwhelming awe at His splendour and magnificence. And with it came a sense of power – of freedom and strength all in one. Freedom in acknowledging my complete insufficiency and finding stre...

The perversity of inanimate objects is nothing compared to the perversity of human beings! Some have the knack of making themselves perfectly objectionable for no earthly reason. I was brought up short recently by one such individual and my gut reaction was completely unworthy of the Lord. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind in no uncertain terms. I knew I was in the right and he wasn’t. I could feel the anger building up inside me. And worse, I felt helpless and completely inept, unable to rectify the situation which seemed to be rapidly deteriorating. So, out of sheer frustration (and seeking Godly approval to have a towering argument!), I opened His Word. Apart from a blaring silence on the approval front, the only word I received was – “God…was over them.” * Very brief and succinct – God really doesn’t mince words, neither does He wax eloquent. He goes to the heart of the matter and deals with the core issue. And here, I only needed four words to settle things! In my f...